There’s a new trend in pick-up lines, ladies

What I wouldn’t give for those golden days of flirting yesteryear, when girls were girls and men were men. When guys offered up urban legend gems like “Can I buy you ladies a round of drinks?” or the oft-underused yet more direct tactic of “Hi, my name is _____”. Those were the days.

Apparently there are a few new techniques on the rise. And I think it’s my duty as a single woman to bring some of the more disturbing ones to light. Please enjoy and feel free to share your own.

Coming soon: Why pedicures, Gregory Peck, African children and popping up at the Shell Car Wash code machine just don’t work.

Here’s to you, Mr. Passive Aggressive Verbal Humiliator
Sounds like a dream, huh? Insult a girl, get her really riled up, then tell her you would’ve asked her out if she hadn’t been so (insert original insult here). Brilliant. It goes something like this:

A man approaches a girl or group of girls:

Man: “Hey ladies, you need to turn those frowns upside down!!”
Me: (taking the bait like an idiot) “We’re not frowning, we’re talking. To THESE guys.”
Man: “Well you look kind of…mad.”
Me: “So, should we smile WHILE we talk? Cause that makes it kind of hard to actually, you know, form the words.

Intermission – Here’s where things start to unravel a bit. Because no one’s really mad yet. We’re just talking, probably engaging in a little harmless flirting, probably with young men in their early 20s (because this story takes place in San Francisco) and it must be going pretty well because, oh, look at that – THESE GUYS ARE STILL TALKING TO US. But I digress.

Man: “I’m just saying, you’d probably do a lot better if you’d just smile a little. You seem like an unhappy person. And you’d be prettier if you smiled too.”

Intermission 2: What the…???

Me: I never smile? ME? You have NO IDEA who I am! I SMILE ALL THE FUCKING TIME! I LOVE TO SMILE!! In fact I was VOTED BEST SMILE in high school so DON’T TELL ME THAT I’M NOT A FUCKING SMILER!!!!!

SFX: Bar goes silent, crickets chirp.

Guy: Wow, that’s too bad, because I would’ve asked you out if you weren’t so…angry.

And just like that, I’ve been had. I really AM mad, I’ve been made to look like a mean girl, when in fact, I’m a relatively sunny smiling type most of the time (ok, I have my days). And some guy that I probably never would’ve gone out with anyway has deemed me un-dateable. I'll be damned. Butter my butt and call me a bitter biscuit.