The 47 Hustle

Today I was riding southbound to hell and Market on the 47 Van Ness where I planned to make a transfer to the N Judah (and no SteveO, I was NOT buying drugs). I was in my 4th favorite seat on a bus – the one in the very back in the middle where I can properly stretch my longer-than-average legs and ride like the lady of leisure I pretend to be in my head. (#1 seat– the single seats, #2, the forward facing seat of the four in the back, by the window, #3 – the window seat in the pair of seats adjacent to the back exit doors – more leg room. Way too much time on buses.)

In any case, I was reading my new Augusten Burroughs book (hi-fucking-larious) and minding my own business when I noticed a nice-looking youngish man sitting in the back. I took note of him as I don’t yet have a 47 Fantasy Lover and frankly, I kind of never expected to. I mean, let’s face it. The 47 has no flair, no edge. It could be driving down a major road in Atlanta or even worse, Indianapolis for God’s sake. Where’s the panache, I ask you? It’s certainly no N Judah or 10 Townsend as far as viable options for Fantasy public transportation crushes go.

Three men board and sit near me in the back. They immediately begin a little Price is Right shell game action using 3 different colored lids from soda bottles and a plain M&M. The ring leader tries to hustle anyone not listening to an iPod or reading a book to give him some money – “any money that folds will work” – to guess which lid the M&M is under. I kept reading, though a large man next to me who spoke no English and was missing a front tooth kept jabbing me in the ribs, encouraging me to play.

47 Fantasy Lover pulled out a $1 bill and gave it to 47 Bob Barker. I was engrossed in my book and didn’t pay attention for a few more minutes, until I looked up and saw Fantasy Lover pull out THREE TWENTIES and hand them over to Bob Barker. THREE TWENTIES! Suddenly it was as if someone had clapped their hands to snap me out of my hypnosis. Idiot Passenger (previously known as Fantasy Lover) wasn’t so cute….and he was an idiot (hence the name). Who in their right mind hands over $60 to the Bob Barker of MUNI? Idiot Passenger chose the wrong lid and lost. Naturally.

Idiot Passenger begins to heatedly DEMAND that Bob Barker return his twenties. Bob Barker ignores him and pretends he doesn’t hear. Idiot Passenger stands up, pretending he’s gonna fight Bob Barker. Bob stands and fights back. A pushing and shoving match ensues. The back of the bus erupts in chaos. People were yelling, moving and falling everywhere, hands were grabbing at bags, newspapers, books – you name it. I clutch my $8 H&M bag as if my life depended on it (because it did…it had my iPod in it) and rushed through the crowd to the back exit to de-board.

It was only after I de-boarded that I realized I’d almost fallen victim to the oldest trick in the book: the old distraction technique. And that at least 6 of the people on the back of the bus were involved (a nice man waiting for the 21 helped me piece this together –he was there also). So Idiot Passenger wasn’t really an Idiot after all. He was actually a conniving trickster, preying on honest MUNI passengers like me, waiting for the exact moment that my grasp on my pleather H&M bag would loosen so he could yank the very pulp of life from my hands.

While I should’ve been focusing my attention on my heroic MacGyver-like escape from the almost-hustle, I was instead focusing on how quickly I drop into Fantasy Land – and with people from public transportation. ??!!! Seriously, I should get out more, right?? But I take MUNI and I’m not so bad. Even so, I fast-forwarded to me bringing N Judah home to meet my family. “How did you guys meet?” “Oh, it was so romantic, our pelvises were pressed against one another and our pheromones just clicked, mom.” Beautiful.

I should have expected that type of behavior from a 47 man but as Carrie Bradshaw might lament, I couldn’t help but wonder: Is my N Judah Fantasy Lover a manipulative trickster too? Did Ex British Lover (EBL) fool me with slick distraction techniques learned on a parallel Oxford Circus F Market? Will I always develop a “thing” for men on the back of the proverbial bus? Are N Judah’s green eyes, delicious smile and 6’2” of lusciousness a cover for pure evil also? Am I doomed to a life of men who just want to grab my pleather purse when it’s convenient for them?

See? WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON BUSES.