Monday, November 07, 2005

Can't....find....words....

I’d like to think that nothing shocks me anymore. But today, something so vile and just plain wrong happened at my gym that I can scarcely type about it. But I must.

I went for a workout. I belong to a nice gym. Clean. Regular people. Sure, there are the normal goings-on in the ladies locker room. Women who feel they must walk, bend, blow-dry, plie, lotion-up, shirtcock, stretch etc. while completely naked, simply because they can. I know this sounds like a dream to you straight men, but at times it can be a bit….uncomfortable. But NOTHING could be more uncomfortable than what I witnessed today.

It was a slow day in the ladies locker room during the 3:00 hour. Just me. Or so I thought. Then I rounded the corner to put my things into the locker I normally use. And there she was. With her leg propped up on the bench in the middle of the lockers. A woman. Trying. To. Insert. A. Tampon. OUT IN THE OPEN. I’m still so embarrassed for her as I type this that I almost have to put a decorative sofa pillow over my face on her behalf.

Can someone PLEASE tell me what on earth possesses a woman to attempt this? Instead of walking the extra 200 yards to the very PRIVATE bathroom stall? What…the…FUCK? Who does that? I can only assume she was just trying to speed up her getting-dressed process and thought “what the hell…nobody’s here. I can do this fast.” But you’re wrong, tampon lady. SO VERY WRONG! And your little miscalculation in judgment has scarred me. Deeply and forever, I fear.

I’m not even sure what my reaction – or hers - was. There was no speaking. Merely the sounds of swift movement, mine and hers. I could feel my face turn hot and bright red. I grabbed my things out of my locker and scurried away, looking at the floor. For shame, tampon lady. For shame.

I’ll never speak of this again.

26 Comments:

Blogger concha said...

one word... ew.

11:03 AM  
Blogger Jaime Schwarz said...

um, yeah... thanks for sharing.

3:39 PM  
Anonymous MetroDad said...

Ok. You win. That's the grossest locker room story I've ever heard.

4:20 PM  
Anonymous Heidi said...

No. Fucking. Way.

6:04 PM  
Blogger mabel said...

Yuck! You poor thing, I didn't actually see it and the image is still tattooed on my brain. You may need therapy. You should sue! I bet we could get you a great lawyer (pro bono) and really clean up. I am thinking Post Tramatic Stress with debilitating flashbacks. You will never be able to shop in any store that sells tampons, or work out, or sit on a bench, without being grossed out. Come to think about it neither will I. Ditto Jaime, thanks for sharing...

9:38 PM  
Anonymous Macfisto said...

Truly awful, but mild compared to the shit that I've seen in the guy's locker room in my gym. Let me preface this by saying that I think human beings are free to embrace any sexual orientation they wish. But the actual act of having sex should occur someplace other than the few square feet of tile upon which I shall be showering myself shortly thereafter.

Ladies with tampax, get a stall.

Men with men, get a room.

11:42 PM  
Blogger Antonio Hicks said...

I was just browsing various blogs as I was doing a search on the word halloween, and I just wanted to say that I really like what you've done with your blog, even though it wasn't particularly related to what I searched for. I appreciate your postings, and your blog is a good example of how a blog should be done. I've only just recently started a Posters website - feel free to visit it when you get a chance if you wish. Much success, antonio.

12:52 AM  
Anonymous MetroDad said...

Is Antonio spam? He looks like spam. Kind of smells like it too. Just wondering.

5:37 AM  
Blogger Shopping Diva said...

Tampon instertion demonstrations, gay sex, and idiot spammers. Yup, you have won the best comments award. I have to say I cannot do any sort of changing in the ladies locker room. Those girls are freaks.

10:06 AM  
Anonymous Heidi said...

Metrodad that is so fucking Spam...Look RB, you are spam worthy!

1:19 PM  
Anonymous crazyvirgo said...

HAAAAAAAAAAA AHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

i needed that! ahahahahahahahahahahahhahhh oh my f-ing jesus. that shit is good. oh brown. wow. i'm crying. for many reasons. i think this is what they call Toxic shock syndrome....
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6:40 PM  
Blogger RBrown said...

Thanks, Antonio. I really like what I've done with my blog too. It was super hard to build this, what with the 4 choices I got from this FREE blog service and all. i'm sure you love the content too - nothing psychs a guy up more than hearing about a woman putting a tampon in, right? Thanks for visiting, Antonio! It sure was great to have you here!

9:35 PM  
Anonymous bitemycookie said...

holywow.
and oh my fuck.
toxic shock syndrome.
it's the metro/bacon/virgo hour over here.

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