Thursday, October 27, 2005

Why do you torment me, craigslist?

I just need a place to live. That's all. And some semi-normal people to live with. Why ya gotta make it so hard, people? After more than a few email exchanges, phone calls and in-person interviews, I've compiled a sampling of the offensive behaviors that apparently make me a vile, unfit roommate and human being. And I was feeling so good about myself. Silly girl. Here they are...I'm pouring myself a drink.

-I'm not a vegan. (animal disrespector!)

-I own and wear a suede coat. (animal killer!)

-I drink alcoholic beverages. I will keep wine//beer/vodka in the refrigerator/freezer occasionally. (alcoholic!)

-Yes, sometimes I will drink too much of it and you will discover me singing bad disco at the top of my lungs for this very reason. Alone. (Likes unhip music!)

-I buy clothes from the Gap, Banana Republic, H&M, Macy's and a whole host of other uncool places. (Unstylish! And supports child labor in taiwan!)

-I will entertain gentleman callers in my home given the opportunity. (Whore!)

-I would willingly - and gladly - use that grill on the patio to sear up a GINORMOUS, JUICY, MEDIUM RARE STEAK. (Bowel obstructor!)

-I stay awake past 9. (Heathen who will overconsume antioxidants!)

-I shop at Safeway and buy non-organic fruits and vegetables occasionally. (Destroyer of our planet!)

-I've lived in the Marina, Cow Hollow and Pacific Heights. (Bitch!)

-I'm over 30. (Buzz kill!)

-I will be at home during the day sometimes (Space stealer!)

-I take the bus (sketchy/transient type!)

-I watch TV. (shallow!)

-I will use the kitchen to cook. (eater!)

24 Comments:

Anonymous MetroDad said...

Ahhh...reminds me again why I moved out of SF and Berkeley. Although I love hanging out with all sorts of random people and I'm one of the least judgemental people I know, I always got the feeling that (on first impression) I was always being cast as "yuppie scum." Even my crazy-ass, hippie pot dealer at Berkeley used to refer to me as "21 Jump Street." This was, of course, based on the fact that I liked to shower, wear clean clothes without tye-dye, eat juicy burgers and listen to alternative music. Truly offensive behavior, I guess. Of course, most people are willing to accept you after they get to know the real you. The question is will you be able to find a plce to live before that?

Good luck, Bacon! Wish I could help you out.

6:18 AM  
Anonymous crazyvirgo said...

Just tell them you don't have a job...that outta do it. I find in Seattle I'm shunned out of most hipster bars and social circles because I have a job with a 401K. Even though I try to feign ignorance and pretend to hate my job, they can sniff out a white-collar worker when they see one.
Either that or tell them that you're a lesbian and your partner just had a baby, but you'r forced to live apart because her parents don't know, so you must keep the relationship hush hush.... not a total lie.

9:14 AM  
Blogger RBrown said...

Ha! Totally true, Crazy V. Met a guy at a showing last night - an artist who'd been traveling in "the EU" for a while. He was totally diggin my mojo - simply because I was a fellow unemployed. Who knew this was the key to the hot-guy artistry universe?

You're right, MD...I've been cast as yuppie Marina scum in at least 3 places and the irony is - they LIVE in the neighborhoods where the yuppie "scum" lives. they diss me, yet they drive camrys and hondas. whores.

9:27 AM  
Anonymous Ryan said...

In related news...River's dramatically less talented brother Joaquin Phoenix wears plastic boots, belt, and jacket in the Bio Pic "Walk The Line". Because of his PETA friendly attitude he has refused to wear leather...The recently deceased Johnny Cash is rolling over in his grave wondering where in the hell did they find this sissy boy...Just one more reason to hate the little turd...Goddamned Hippies!

2:55 PM  
Blogger RBrown said...

Oh. My. GOD!!! You canNOT play Johnny Cash and wear plastic. I love the animals too but that kid needs to pick up his fricking skirt and just fucking give johnny his props the way he would've wanted it - IN LEATHER. Good lord!

3:19 PM  
Blogger TheDShaw said...

This is so liberating. As I've always said: Environment Shmenvironment.

4:09 PM  
Anonymous bitemycookie said...

i haven't lived in sf in a about a year, but can't you get paid for being homeless there now? that's a house and a job - and no roommates. i'm just sayin.

your list belongs on the "best of CL"

8:51 PM  
Blogger Shopping Diva said...

I am too heavily medicated (for my cold - I am not Jules either - but not for lack of trying!) to say anything smart. But I did want you to know that I am so hoping you get everything you want TODAY! You are too cute not to. I don't get vegans. I'd shoot the damn cow myself to get a burger.

10:19 PM  
Anonymous Macfisto said...

So when you say you like San Francisco, I take it to mean the architecture, hilly terrain, Fisherman's Warf, icy summers, Sam Wo's, Anchor Steam beer, etc. Just not the people.

Try Marin county maybe?

10:32 PM  
Blogger RBrown said...

Oh macfisto. You and your crazy SoCal sassy mouth.

12:56 AM  
Anonymous heidi said...

Oh Gawd. So. been. there. And SF is a hard place to be "there". If you get seriously desperate, you can rent a hotel room down in the 'Loin and work for your boarding. I know it sounds scetch but c'mon it's what all the arty freakish types do. And you'll certainly never be called a Yuppie....just don't let the new neighbors see you have a computer. If you were here, I'd let you live on my couch purely for the entertainment...you damn funny biotch

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