Why do you torment me, craigslist?

I just need a place to live. That's all. And some semi-normal people to live with. Why ya gotta make it so hard, people? After more than a few email exchanges, phone calls and in-person interviews, I've compiled a sampling of the offensive behaviors that apparently make me a vile, unfit roommate and human being. And I was feeling so good about myself. Silly girl. Here they are...I'm pouring myself a drink.

-I'm not a vegan. (animal disrespector!)

-I own and wear a suede coat. (animal killer!)

-I drink alcoholic beverages. I will keep wine//beer/vodka in the refrigerator/freezer occasionally. (alcoholic!)

-Yes, sometimes I will drink too much of it and you will discover me singing bad disco at the top of my lungs for this very reason. Alone. (Likes unhip music!)

-I buy clothes from the Gap, Banana Republic, H&M, Macy's and a whole host of other uncool places. (Unstylish! And supports child labor in taiwan!)

-I will entertain gentleman callers in my home given the opportunity. (Whore!)

-I would willingly - and gladly - use that grill on the patio to sear up a GINORMOUS, JUICY, MEDIUM RARE STEAK. (Bowel obstructor!)

-I stay awake past 9. (Heathen who will overconsume antioxidants!)

-I shop at Safeway and buy non-organic fruits and vegetables occasionally. (Destroyer of our planet!)

-I've lived in the Marina, Cow Hollow and Pacific Heights. (Bitch!)

-I'm over 30. (Buzz kill!)

-I will be at home during the day sometimes (Space stealer!)

-I take the bus (sketchy/transient type!)

-I watch TV. (shallow!)

-I will use the kitchen to cook. (eater!)