Monday, October 17, 2005

Sometimes I want to be a gay man

Is that weird? Don’t get me wrong, I love being a heterosexual woman in this fair city. But the gay man just has it so damned easy. It’s an honest, efficient system. Sometimes TOO honest (“Oh honey, did you see the plaque on the 3rd tooth from the back?”) but it seems to work.

Case in point, my current halfway house host was hanging out, just minding his own business last Monday or Tuesday night. His doorbell rings. The ringer asks for Sam* (names have been changed to protect the semi-innocent). Coincidentally, my host’s first name is actually Sam too though no one calls him that. But he thinks it’s something related to his home renovation project and so he lets the conversation continue.

I’m Sam.
Oh. (15-second uncomfortable silence).
Did you….need something?
Well, um, you called for me, right?
Called for you?
I’m the guy from Men seeking Men…on craigslist? You ARE Sam, right?
Yes, I’m Sam but I didn’t email anyone off craigslist.
Oh. (another 15-second silence). Well, are you up for it? Or can you help me find _____ St?

What the....??!! Interestingly enough, it really was NOT my Sam (he’s exclusively/monogamously dating someone), though he admitted that this is a routinely common practice for gay men. You just order yourself up a dirty man for the night off craigslist and he shows up. Who knew??

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not into placing ads to have straight guys come to my house and service me and certainly not vice versa. I just have a strange admiration for the efficiency of the whole thing. Imagine this scene translated into the straight person’s world of regular old hetero dating. Guy asks girl out, girl says yes or no, they have date and at the end of said date they’re both completely, 100% honest about what will happen next. There’s no “I’ll call you” that everyone knows will never happen or uncomfortable half-hugs. Instead, it’s a different spin on the old sales tactic of “ask for the referral” It saves everyone a heap of time and analysis and it might go something like this:

Look, I had a great time, but I’m not really feeling it for you.
Yeah, me neither.
But you’re really attractive, funny, smart and I think my friend _____ might like you. Can I give him/her your phone number?
Sure. And here’s my friend_______’s email address. Email her. I think you guys will get along great. But I’d still love to hang out with you…as friends. You up for that?
Sure. My friend ____ is having a party on Saturday. Come – bring your friends.

Of course, all guys probably already wish for this and think that women screw this up with our over-analyzing. Of course, they’re right…we do. And I might be miffed for about 10 minutes if I was on the receiving end of this brutal honesty. But I’d get over it if the guy was cool enough to be friends with. Instead, no one says anything, you run into each other in a month somewhere and do the uncomfortable half hug thing AGAIN. This cycle repeats itself for the next 5 years or so until that person gets married, produces offspring and/or moves out of the city or you run into them with their new child and significant other which automatically, mercifully and FINALLY ends the whole ridiculous cycle.

New system. Please.


Anonymous MetroDad said...

Too funny. My wife and I had a similar conversation a few years ago about how much easier dating would be if we were like dogs. You just go around and sniff people's butts until you find a perfect match.

Now, that's efficient!

6:02 AM  
Anonymous Ryan said...

Well, you missed the lovely couple at the bar last night...Straight (ish) couple obviously looking for a third wheel...A very bored and quite attractive woman with her very boring and overly-sideburned boyfriend...I sent my roomate get the scoop...He said he "wasn't invited"...He was quite disappointed by this. I thought he had a sure in. (so to speak) The way they were pounding the drinks you'd think they'd have gotten the nerve by then. See, nothing's simple. Kinky bastards...Men, women, gay straight, bi-, tri-, all moths crashing into hot and delicate lightbulbs.

10:45 AM  
Blogger Jaime Schwarz said...

Ryan brings up an interesting point.. what's up with mutton chops? Are they making a comback? Is the fashion of failed 1872 presidential hopeful Horace Greeley's "underbeard" coming back next? RB, please go to town on mutton chops and stop this thing before my regular old beard is the fauxpas of the future.

11:47 AM  
Anonymous crazyvirgo said...

sometimes when i get bored i order up a woman, dog, some pudding and a mechanic from craiglist. is that wierd? i call it efficient. one stop shopping.

12:20 PM  
Anonymous macfisto said...

Dating is becoming like Wal-Mart, mtv, big budget "high concept" films, and video games. Quick, cheap, frenetic, easy. Perish the thought of learning something about yourself and (God forbid) someone else in the process. Love involves an element of uncertainty and risk. And I don't mean the kind that can be avoided with a condom.

12:27 PM  
Blogger concha said...

there was an article about this craig's list thing in the new yorker like 2 months ago. it also said a lot of these relationships are meth fuled and are exponentially increasing AIDS in the gay community...but that's besides the point.

i always wish i was a man. and since i could never bring myself to be with a woman...i guess i would be gay too.

2:48 PM  
Blogger RBrown said...

A comment from "Sam" which he said blogspot deemed as too long and he's far too busy to try and make work. But I'm not and it's worthy of reading. So i'm breaking it into a few posts:

My little lambchop, if you want to be a gay man there are a few rules to observe.  Just as in the straight world.  Since I've been on both sides of the fence I feel some helpful hints may help guide your sleigh tonight

1.  When calling personal ads always use a fake name.
2.  When surfing Craigslist, avoid those who show you "The Christmas Goose" with photos from behind. A girl needs something for the imagination.
3. Set up an alias email account just for these occasions.  Remember, being creative is a part of being gay.
4. If you go down the path of inviting someone over, hide your mail and all twirling trophies, congeniality certificates and other materials that may have your real name on them.

5:32 PM  
Blogger RBrown said...

Part 2 from "Sam" said "climax"...tee hee, giggle, giggle...

5.  When posting false pictures of yourself on craigslist, just to build excitement for a better climax, remember to crop the copyright image off the bottom of the pic.

6. If you open the door and JoJo the dog faced boy from Badlands is there, close the door immediately for two very important reasons.

a.  You may be cold but you can find a blanket.
b.  You know this town is small and you are going to see him again.  Do you want to explain why that trick is talking turkey to you while showing everyone his Christmas Goose online? Right.

7.  If you see someone stalking you, stalk them back.  What's the harm in a little stalk?
8. Remember there's no shame in self love.
9. See #8
10.If you want to transpose these rules for the straights, sum it up by saying the following: "HI, my name is Jennifer, I saw your ad online or maybe a friend told me about you, I can't remember.  Anyway, I was wondering, would you like a little foreplay this evening that will probably lead to a happy ending?"  Now I'm by no means an expert on the topic, but I'll bet you'll discover more than one way to transcend gay language and straight talk.

5:34 PM  
Blogger steveohville speakeasy said...

what are you talking about? everyone's honest in the dating world.

signed, the world's greatest guy who women have a great time with who has a great knack for not being blamed for the end of relationships.

1:11 AM  
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