Confessions of a 35-year old sorority "girl"

That’s right, bitches. I WAS IN A SORORITY. This came up again the other day and when the person I was talking to found out, he started laughing. Hard. Damn, it feels good to get it out there, though. I feel somehow that if you, my faithful 4 readers, find out I was part of something so vile and wrong and you STILL come back to this blog, then the Greek monkey might be - finally! – off my back. So here’s my full confession. Forgive me, readers for I have socially sinned.

I try to avoid the topic when it comes up. It kind of renders you completely unhip and a total social misfit here in San Francisco when people find out. But honestly, I’m almost 36 years old and it still IRKS me a little that people laugh. Not because I was in one. No, no, I know NOW that it was utter ridiculousness. But are they laughing because sororities are so cliché? Or because I actually got in? And actually suffered through all 4 years of it? I don’t know. The 17-year old in me wants to scream “I was cool! People liked me! They were willing to accept me! And my monthly dues and….” Yeah, so when I get to that part, I remember again. And I’m humble.

But I grew up in the south. I went to school in Kentucky, for Christ’s sake. What else would I have done for fun? I’ll admit it. I was a sheep. I zigged with the ziggers and zagged with the zaggers. You want to hear the worst part? I was….involved. SO very into it. This (almost) 36-year old hater-of-the-man, asks-questions-about-EVERY-possible-rule could hold a sheet over my face I’m so embarrassed at the bending-over I let myself take from a bunch of girls (actually, most of the girls were nice, not a lot of edge to most of them, but nice. But some of those uptight southern 60ish year old alums…Jesus H!) Check out a few of my Greek “accomplishments”: (holding sheet over face now)

-Rush Chairman – I cried a lot during that week. I was sensitive even then and to have pictures of 400 or so girls on a wall that we did a heads-down secret voting session on bothered me even then. So why did I run for such an office, you ask? I can’t even remember. For some reason, I think I wanted power. I wanted to be on the EXECUTIVE COUNCIL. And I was giddy with the power! Giddy, I tell you! Until the week began, that is. Then I had to reject people that weren’t “pretty” enough or “smart” enough or “whatever” enough. Ouch, man. I hated it and developed a boil on my face the size of a walnut under my left eye. Talk about karma.

-PanhellenicRush Chairman - As in responsible for the entire fucking week of Rush at the university and everything that led up to it…oy. Again, one might say, why run for such an office? Actually, I was approached…by the PRESIDENT of Greek Affairs! He stroked my ego (“your organization was impeccable.”). Clearly he recognized a human yellow Labrador retriever when he saw one and made his move because who else would want that stupid job? What a fucking sucker I was. And look at me now: in the biggest ego-stroking biz of all…will I ever learn?

-Fraternity Sweetheart - NO, not the screw-the-members type of Sweetheart deal…the kind where they vote from their favorite of ALL the Little Sisters. Look at that. I’m still trying to spin it and make it sound good, after all these years.

And the crème de la crème….
Homecoming Queen, 1st Runner Up – Um, yeah. Can you believe it? Can’t you just see me down there on the 50-yard line on that crisp, sunny, October afternoon in 1991? All liquored up, after an afternoon of tailgating, waving to a crowd of 25,000ish? Holding my silver plate and wearing my sash? My mom still has the picture, God love her. Actually, I still have the silver plate. I keep it because it’s silver (-plated). Come to think of it, I need some cash….

There were moments when I fought back. I was told that it was MANDATORY (a word that was very big in sorority life that I’ve hated ever since) that I participate in either Spring Sing or Powder Puff football. I really didn’t want to do either. So I didn’t. My fellow Exec Council members told me I was setting a bad example and HAD to choose or I would (gasp) lose my voting privileges. Oh really? I quickly recited a list of all my stupid “accomplishments”, recollected my 3.5 GPA and told them I thought it smacked of hazing and would be discussing it “outside the chapter” if they pushed it further. Victory was mine! Rbrown 1, Evil Greek Empire – 0

And moments of shame:
I lost my shit during Rush when I found out –brace yourselves - that someone had stolen all of the Peppermint Lifesavers used to freshen our breath between rush parties. The fucking nerve! I think I actually YELLED at a roomful of astonished girls over this. Must’ve been the boil.

But for all the complaining, I have many, many great memories of honest to God fun. And a few dear friends that I still talk to all the time.

So now you get to decide: can you still read the blog of someone so….uncool? Adult Rbrown begs you to come back. Sorority Rbrown says, like, you are SO losing your commenting/posting privileges if you don’t.