Parenting through the eyes of a clueless single girl

This may sound strange (and foreign to my southern readers) but for a few years now, I’ve been pondering whether or not I really want kids. I’ve never been the type of girl who oohs and goos over a stranger’s baby. I didn’t grow up babysitting and I’ve never been one to get all giddy at the thought of changing a diaper.

But over the past 8 months - WHAM - everybody and their freaking brother (or sister, if you will) has a bun in the oven. Two of my best friends, one (MillValleyMama) is due on (drum roll please) my birthday (24 shopping days left) , and yet another good friend due in January. Another friend with QUADS…good LORD. Not to mention the almost full-term pregnancy I spent locked in an office with the lovely and wonderful Better Lighter Half (yet another advertising partner, she’s the light, optimistic side to my dark, twisted one. She brought The Nugget into the world a mere 3 weeks ago.) I learned a lot. And I was mistaken for her lesbian partner more than once.

It seems every day I find out that somebody else is pregnant or dropped a baby while I was away, living the life of single, irresponsible debauchery. Today it was Halle Berry. Tomorrow, who knows? And to top it all off, in between freelancing, I’m working at this uber-hip baby-clothing store owned by a (non-pregnant) friend of mine. And it’s actually really fun. Duly noted, universe. I’ll give kids some more thought.

Maybe the Gods are conspiring to give me the opportunity to make a better, more informed decision once I actually find my baby daddy? I don’t have the answers, my friends. I do know that I L-O-V-E The Nugget like she’s my own, and this gives me hope for my maternal future. Today I drove she and BLH to Target and I was a nervous wreck, hands at 10:00 and 2:00 on the steering wheel, knuckles white, cars whizzing past me at a reckless 55 while I crept along at a safe 46 in the right lane of drizzling rain on 280 (precious cargo, I can’t be hydroplaning and shit).

I think I’ll know for sure how I feel once I finally meet my very own West Coast Metrodad. Until then, I’m more than happy to live vicariously through my friends who’ve been thrown in the deep end and their shit load of weird, funny, foreign stuff they share with me. How do you parents do it? So much to learn, so much to remember….very confusing. Must have vodka tonic. Anyway, here are a few of my favorites. Please, give me more.

Lactation consultant – BLH informed me this is a real job title assigned to an actual person. No shit. This sounds like something from a shitcanned Bud Light commercial. Who knew?

Roughing up the nipples – Apparently, it’s an old wives tale that women are supposed to “prepare their nipples” for nursing by giving them a good roughin’ up. Grab the nipple! Chap it! Show that teet who’s boss! Um, OUCH. If I’m ever in the family way, I’m leaving my girls alone, thank you very much. Luckily, MillVallyMama and BLH tell me this isn’t true. But they tell me when you switch from breast-feeding to bottle, the little one CAN get a bad case of….

Nipple confusion – Too…many…jokes….

Perennial massage – Oh. Holy. Jesus. BLH read me this (with a very shocked and white face, might I add) one day upon receiving her weekly Babycenter.com update (34th week I believe it was). I tried to find it just so you could read it in all its glory. But you have to subscribe and frankly, I think word of mouth learning is much more fun. So here it is, to the best of my recollection: “To prevent tearing (more vodka please), it’s a good idea to get in the habit of giving yourself a perennial massage.” They then proceed to tell you precisely how to hook your fingers and um, you know, put them in the general area and hold it there until a slight burning, stretching sensation occurs. Even better, they suggest having your partner do it for you. Maybe use a little vegetable oil. I’m not making this shit up, I swear.

Um, pretty sure that if my partner ever administers a perennial massage we would both be irreversibly damaged and thus never do anything that would cause pregnancy again. Yikes.