When in Rome, POST A FRICKING COMMENT

Not so long ago, Crazy Virgo and I were sitting in the lunchroom at France in the West discussing the burgeoning future of our creativity. It was a titillating conversation involving Catherine Zeta Jones, newspaper, door hangers, satellite dishes and the delicious - and often overlooked - new line of Safeway signature soups. Virg had already entered the golden blogosphere and was discussing with me the many reasons why I too should follow suit. In blogland, I could write whatever I wanted. Segregated, picketing foods, demonic babies and not-so-fresh cats walking on a beach would have a special home. I could exercise my own special dark brand of weirdness. I could laugh at my own jokes ? mohoohaa! I?d always be on brief. I could say ?fuck? whenever I wanted. Sold! Bacon Grease was born!

OK, so maybe we would be the only one reading each other?s blogs - except for the 2 friends we each had who already had their own blogs and would return the favor for us - but that didn?t matter. At least that?s what I thought at the time, silly na?ve girl I was, back in September.

You see, I?d overlooked the most important part of blogging. The post. The comment. I just thought I?d be writing some random stuff everyday and figured a few people would read it and come back every now and then to read more. Maybe. I?d honestly never really ?blogged? enough to remember that posting comments made it this fun, interactive experience.

But I found all these interesting people in the blogging world. I began posting comments. They posted comments. I made friends, mom! On the World Wide Web! I?m now addicted to knowing how all of my favorite blogging friends are doing each day. I look forward to reading their witty, funny posts and I get all happy and warm when they actually post something on mine. I love to discover interesting new blogs and as much as I hate to admit it, I am secretly ELATED when someone new posts a comment on mine. I?ve snared a new person! I can alert my sales force of the increase in circulation! I can raise my advertising rates! You will be MINE, world!

Enter my (divisive whisper) offline friends. Wonderful, dear, supportive people. People who for years have said things like ?Rbrown, you should be writing this shit down for the masses! It?s funny!? (Apparently I have a knack for finding the humor in divorce, scary in-laws, bad dates, yahouda-ed diamond rings, bus rides, job loss, death, houses catching on fire, etc. Who knew?) I tried to write in a journal, but truthfully, I?m smarter than the journal. I don?t perform for the journal. I don?t work as hard with the journal and therefore I?m just not as funny in the journal (not like I?m tearing it up on here, but you know what I mean). So I turn to the blog. You encouraged me. And I did it.

So I have to be shallow and just ask the question that I know all of the faithful blogwriters want to know: Why is it such a letdown when some of your dearest friends and biggest supporters come to your blog and DO NOT POST A COMMENT?? Come on, I can?t be the ONLY one who thinks about this stuff, right? How can some people get it (a big shout out especially to The DShaw, Ryan and MacFisto) and others not? I don?t need people to read this shit every day, but even if you stop in once and think this is complete shite, throw me a bone, people! I don?t have permanent work or housing! One post EVER is all I?m asking. I?ve got (use your taunting voice) my NEW BLOG friends that?ll post when they see fit. But offline friends, you should know that it gives me such sick pleasure to see a new comment. For fuck?s sake! GIVE ME PLEASURE!

I know it?s sad to want this tiny bit of validation. But I do. I?m sorry, I just DO. Sitting with your best friends over drinks and hearing, ?Oh, I read your blog. Good shit, Rbrown. Can you pass me that ketchup?? is fine. Until I go to my blog and I see that you?ve written nothing. NOTHING. Why do you torment me in this manner, my people? Look, the fact that anyone reads this thing is still a miracle to me. But you - you made it all the way to this ridiculously complicated URL about pig meat drippings! Can?t you just say something? Antonio of Aluminum Siding Inc. commented. Why can?t you? Please?

I signed your wedding registries, for God?s sake! I buy your products! I love your children! Comment, bitches!

PS ? Thank you Stan ? whichever of the 2 Stans I know that actually came here ? for posting a comment. Your duty is done and you NEVER have to say another word on this bitch again. Ever.