Sunday, November 13, 2005

When in Rome, POST A FRICKING COMMENT

Not so long ago, Crazy Virgo and I were sitting in the lunchroom at France in the West discussing the burgeoning future of our creativity. It was a titillating conversation involving Catherine Zeta Jones, newspaper, door hangers, satellite dishes and the delicious - and often overlooked - new line of Safeway signature soups. Virg had already entered the golden blogosphere and was discussing with me the many reasons why I too should follow suit. In blogland, I could write whatever I wanted. Segregated, picketing foods, demonic babies and not-so-fresh cats walking on a beach would have a special home. I could exercise my own special dark brand of weirdness. I could laugh at my own jokes ? mohoohaa! I?d always be on brief. I could say ?fuck? whenever I wanted. Sold! Bacon Grease was born!

OK, so maybe we would be the only one reading each other?s blogs - except for the 2 friends we each had who already had their own blogs and would return the favor for us - but that didn?t matter. At least that?s what I thought at the time, silly na?ve girl I was, back in September.

You see, I?d overlooked the most important part of blogging. The post. The comment. I just thought I?d be writing some random stuff everyday and figured a few people would read it and come back every now and then to read more. Maybe. I?d honestly never really ?blogged? enough to remember that posting comments made it this fun, interactive experience.

But I found all these interesting people in the blogging world. I began posting comments. They posted comments. I made friends, mom! On the World Wide Web! I?m now addicted to knowing how all of my favorite blogging friends are doing each day. I look forward to reading their witty, funny posts and I get all happy and warm when they actually post something on mine. I love to discover interesting new blogs and as much as I hate to admit it, I am secretly ELATED when someone new posts a comment on mine. I?ve snared a new person! I can alert my sales force of the increase in circulation! I can raise my advertising rates! You will be MINE, world!

Enter my (divisive whisper) offline friends. Wonderful, dear, supportive people. People who for years have said things like ?Rbrown, you should be writing this shit down for the masses! It?s funny!? (Apparently I have a knack for finding the humor in divorce, scary in-laws, bad dates, yahouda-ed diamond rings, bus rides, job loss, death, houses catching on fire, etc. Who knew?) I tried to write in a journal, but truthfully, I?m smarter than the journal. I don?t perform for the journal. I don?t work as hard with the journal and therefore I?m just not as funny in the journal (not like I?m tearing it up on here, but you know what I mean). So I turn to the blog. You encouraged me. And I did it.

So I have to be shallow and just ask the question that I know all of the faithful blogwriters want to know: Why is it such a letdown when some of your dearest friends and biggest supporters come to your blog and DO NOT POST A COMMENT?? Come on, I can?t be the ONLY one who thinks about this stuff, right? How can some people get it (a big shout out especially to The DShaw, Ryan and MacFisto) and others not? I don?t need people to read this shit every day, but even if you stop in once and think this is complete shite, throw me a bone, people! I don?t have permanent work or housing! One post EVER is all I?m asking. I?ve got (use your taunting voice) my NEW BLOG friends that?ll post when they see fit. But offline friends, you should know that it gives me such sick pleasure to see a new comment. For fuck?s sake! GIVE ME PLEASURE!

I know it?s sad to want this tiny bit of validation. But I do. I?m sorry, I just DO. Sitting with your best friends over drinks and hearing, ?Oh, I read your blog. Good shit, Rbrown. Can you pass me that ketchup?? is fine. Until I go to my blog and I see that you?ve written nothing. NOTHING. Why do you torment me in this manner, my people? Look, the fact that anyone reads this thing is still a miracle to me. But you - you made it all the way to this ridiculously complicated URL about pig meat drippings! Can?t you just say something? Antonio of Aluminum Siding Inc. commented. Why can?t you? Please?

I signed your wedding registries, for God?s sake! I buy your products! I love your children! Comment, bitches!

PS ? Thank you Stan ? whichever of the 2 Stans I know that actually came here ? for posting a comment. Your duty is done and you NEVER have to say another word on this bitch again. Ever.

26 Comments:

Blogger Single, Party of One said...

See? This guy CLEARLY likes me.

12:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What are you complaining about? You have people offering you kissing tips and opportunities for CASH, CASH, CASH!!! They're gonna put you and 10,000 dollars in a MUD PIIIITTT!

The world should see your blog. And comment, natch. Lemme know who you want to slap on a post, and I'll see that they do it. I'm not kidding. I'm under a lot of stress, and strong-arming people into doing my bidding sounds like fun. I've got a lot of shit on your "offline friends"*** and I'd be happy to play enforcer.

***Um, we're not "offline" 'cause we don't have a blog. Geez. I feel oppressed all of a sudden. I'm gonna start a movement and bring down all you blog-ass mofo's who persecute the rest of us!

See what I mean about the stress?

1:48 AM  
Blogger Single, Party of One said...

"Be careful what you wish for". Irish blogs. Kissing tips. Did I wish for these? Was I beverage-impaired when I did?

I love you, faithful Macfisto. Please....do not take me down like a circus clown.

1:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am with you biatchrice...I always shed a tear when nobody has visited that day. But seriously, stop typing with a martini in one hand...those question marks are annoying!

8:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

a. what up with the question marks
b. i know... no comments makes you feel like you blogged in vain and you're not funny and people are secretly rolling their eyes at you
c. i'll comment everyday even if all i say is, oh my god you're so hilarious, i want to be you.
promise!

1:22 PM  
Blogger Single, Party of One said...

oh dear, I'm now the blog whiner. i meant the people who come once, read a paragraph and then never come again ignoring the lure of interactivity forever. who doesn't like some interactivity, i ask you? .

3:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Comment.

3:40 PM  
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Blogger concha said...

you never had the pleasure of taking ron's class your last quarter, but this is a decent summary of what he said on the first day of school.

"we're in advertising because we're bad people. we want to see our ideas come to life and for other people to see them. we're insecure and we need to be praised continualy."

recognizing these qualities in ourselves, and because we hated half the people in school, me, my friend dan, and the rican formed the bad people's club. looks like you also qualify...so welcome. and i disagree with thedshaw. blogging is best done when jacked up...although the question marks have got to go. now...about those krispy kreams...

4:41 PM  
Blogger concha said...

no problem. it's my job to keep all fellow crackheads in check.

5:35 PM  
Blogger Single, Party of One said...

So I'm in the Bad Person's Club....cool! I was in the Tacky Club during sorority girl days. I'm apparently rotten and evil to the core. I can't help it. I DO need stroking occasionally. What can I say??

It's sad cause I wasn't even jacked up on sugar when I wrote that. Just me being me. See? EVIL TO THE CORE.

Stroke away, people.

5:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dutch was here

6:49 PM  
Blogger sissy said...

I like you BECAUSE you're evil. Nice spam by the way, how friggin ironic is that? I laughed my ass off...

7:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yo, RBrown. Let me tell you something. I've had my blog running for about 15 months now. Not ONCE have any of my off-line friends ever commented. Not ONCE! Fuckers!

Wait, I take that back. When I first started blogging, I would get these hate-mail comments from someone named Calvin Broadus. The comments drove me so crazy that I banned the ip from the site. I forget all about it until, months later, a friend of mine brought up the name Calvin Broadus. Turns out that's Snoop Dogg's real name and that my buddy was the asshole behind all my hate mail.

I have no idea what point I'm trying to make. I think it's that...

off-line friends bad.

on-line friends good.

I'll go now.

7:46 PM  
Blogger gina said...

I feel your pain Ms. Brown! But please know that you are loved by all! Will you still love us after you make all of that money putting in your zip code while wearing your flirty lingerie and kissing people in Ireland? Will ya???

8:50 PM  
Blogger Jaime Schwarz said...

I read the the blog and then there it was, 23 comments... 23! I'm lucky if I get you and concha once a week let alone any other kind souls. I say we should make a day so blogs like this don't have to be written. A day of commenting. Where we all have to comment on all the blogs we read. Like, I don't know, November 31, for that is the day of St. Blog The Divine. The first commenter who, after Martin Luther posted the note on the door of the church, the first blog, St. Blog posted a comment underneath it complaining about a Jesus reference or something. And yeh, so it was that that day, November 31, 1517, a month after Luther's post went up on that door, the comment was posted below it, and it was good, so sayeth the people. And on the anniversary of that day November 31, comments were to be posted on any and all opinines made to the public. Looking forward to November 31st!

8:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate myself. Are you happy now, RBrown?

I have to admit I am one of those bastardettes who visits your site and doesn't have the courtesy of posting a comment. I know. Whore!
Alright. You make the DP laugh. I give you comment. Done and done.

12:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Miss Brown, I really know how you feel. I don't have a blog, but I feel a little down when nobody bothers to view or comment on my photos on Flickr. It makes me feel like my efforts to share photos simply devolves into masturbation. Oh wait, maybe that'll get people to comment. Off to take some pics!

2:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, so I've never done this blog thing before, but I feel like I'm being called out by you Ms. Brown. What goes on in these things anyway? Seems a bit like a rant fest, which is all good to me - I think if I started one I wouldn't shut up, so probably better I don't start one. But if I did I would try to have one as funny and, dare I say, "amazing" as yours (ha! see, I read your blog.)

-SilverFox

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Our country is in debt until forever, we don't have jobs, and we live in fear. We have invaded a country and been responsible for thousands of deaths.
We have lost friends and influenced no one. No wonder most of the world thinks we suck. Thanks to what george bush has done to our country during the past three years, we do!

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