KY: The state, not the jelly

I’m going home for Christmas today. That’s right, I said Christmas. Because in Kentucky, they don’t say “Happy Holidays” they say “Merry Christmas”. “Holidays” doesn’t really refer to Channukuh or Kwanza or Ramadan. Nope, “Holidays” refers to Veteran’s Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas and New Year’s.

Don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of people who observe other holidays besides Christmas in my hometown of Lexington and my home state. But from what I can tell in my 19 years away from home, the whole “Happy Holidays” sentiment hasn’t really caught on as much as it has in other places. I could count on one hand the number of times I’ve heard someone wish someone else a Merry Christmas in my 5 San Francisco holiday seasons, even when someone’s positive the person they’re sending their wishes to is Christian. Yet I could almost guarantee that tomorrow I won’t even make it to baggage claim before I hear someone wish someone else a Merry Christmas. While I know this is wrong and I still wish people happy holidays myself, there’s something comforting about hearing the words “Merry Christmas”. Like Pavlov’s dog, the words “Merry Christmas” send signals to my brain that I’m home and I’m about to see my family and I have to admit, when I hear it tomorrow, it will finally feel like Christmas to me and I’m looking forward to that.

In fact, as much shit as I’ve listened to people dish out about the south, about me making out with my brothers (ewwww), about how my teeth are mighty plentiful for a southern girl blah, blah, blah, I have to say, there are a gracious plenty things I love about my state and about my holiday traditions that I’d never change, no matter where I live the other 364 days of the year.

For instance, people out here laugh when I tell them the first earthquake I ever felt was in Kentucky. I couldn’t possibly understand the seriousness of a real earthquake. True.

But, to you sassy people (or to all y’all, if you will) I also have to say, in MY native state, a tree that falls through the roof of someone’s house after some low-grade thunderstorm does NOT headline EVERY SINGLE NEWSCAST on EVERY LOCAL STATION for 2 days. If that was the case, we’d never have time for the important news. You know, the basketball updates.

Because out here, the number of choices and causes you can choose to support is mind-boggling and that’s why I love it. But it’s also why I love returning home a few times a year, to slow down the pace. At home in the KY, the biggest discussion point is pretty much blue or red, Kentucky or Louisville, Tubby or Rick, do you still eat Golden Flake chips? (one of Rick’s old endorsements when he coached Kentucky) do you still buy Ford cars and trucks? (Rick’s chosen endorsement car brand when at KY). The answers, of course, as anyone with any horse sense will tell you are blue, Kentucky, Tubby, no and HELL NO. In Lexington, you like Kentucky. In Kentucky you like basketball, Kentucky bourbon and horses. Period. And if you don’t like any of those, you might as well put your family in the witness protection program and ship yourself out to North Dakota or some other no-name basketball/bourbon state.

Yep, in the KY the choices are pretty simple. Nobody sums it up any better than the Aunt in “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”: “Whaddya mean he don’t eat NO MEAT?” Mmmhmm. In the KY, meat’s bigger than Chip and Pepper jeans or Havania flip flops. Vegans? Organic meat and produce lovers? Low-cholesterol, low-fat, low-carb diets? Je m’appelle cou cou shou shou WHAT? Those haven’t really caught on yet, at least not at Christmas.

No, when we come a callin’ on ya mama an’ em, we bring homemade biscuits, potato chips dipped in chocolate, bourbon balls and of course, the mother load of the Kentucky Christmas: a country ham, which is basically a ham rubbed in salt and aged for about 100 years. Yep, it sounds gross, but you slap a piece of that on one of your mama’s homemade yeast biscuits and have a few sips of your Maker’s/Booker’s/Woodford Reserve and water and you can damn sure bet you’re gonna taste somethin’ that’s gonna make you slap your grandmamma it’s so good.

For the Christmas movie selection, it’s safe to say that most Kentuckians won’t see any movies about gay cowboys. Nosirree. We opt for the holiday blockbusters. This year, I predict my family will see no less than 4 films during my 6-day visit: “Rumor Has It”, “Kong”, “The Family Stone” (which I’ve seen but will pretend I haven’t) and (hopefully) “Memoirs of a Geisha.”

During my 6-day visit, I will also run into people I went to high school and/or college with. I will explain no less than 17 times that no, I am not married and no, I do not have kids, no, I do not live in Kentucky anymore and no, I do not want to move back. I live in San Francisco and after an uncomfortable silence, I will answer the question some ballsy person will invariably ask: no, I’m not a lesbian. I will tell people I’m a copywriter and they will ask me at what law firm I practice my copyrighting. I will try to avoid the college acquaintance who lectured me on straying from God’s Path when I told him I was going through a divorce 4 years ago. I will try to avoid him because if I see him and have to exchange more than 2 words I can almost guarantee that I will cause him some sort of bodily harm.

Yes, it’s a unique place, the KY. It has its challenges but it also has its charms. For every fond memory you Californians have of your first Iron Man, your first Alcatraz swim, your summers in Outward Bound and where you were during the ‘Quake of ’89 I’ve got one of my first 4th of July fun run, the first tornado I thought I might not live through, the day I learned that the cute pigs I saw at the after school animal farm would someday become a prized country ham, and when I learned that the really cute new guy at my high school was a Louisville fan. That was the end of THAT guy.

So Merry Christmas, y’all. And Happy Channukah (why the “C” only sometimes? D Shaw? Jaime?) Happy Ramadan, Joyeux Kwanza, Happy Boxing Day. Peace and joy to everyone, even if its just for 24 hours.