Wednesday, December 21, 2005

KY: The state, not the jelly

I’m going home for Christmas today. That’s right, I said Christmas. Because in Kentucky, they don’t say “Happy Holidays” they say “Merry Christmas”. “Holidays” doesn’t really refer to Channukuh or Kwanza or Ramadan. Nope, “Holidays” refers to Veteran’s Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas and New Year’s.

Don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of people who observe other holidays besides Christmas in my hometown of Lexington and my home state. But from what I can tell in my 19 years away from home, the whole “Happy Holidays” sentiment hasn’t really caught on as much as it has in other places. I could count on one hand the number of times I’ve heard someone wish someone else a Merry Christmas in my 5 San Francisco holiday seasons, even when someone’s positive the person they’re sending their wishes to is Christian. Yet I could almost guarantee that tomorrow I won’t even make it to baggage claim before I hear someone wish someone else a Merry Christmas. While I know this is wrong and I still wish people happy holidays myself, there’s something comforting about hearing the words “Merry Christmas”. Like Pavlov’s dog, the words “Merry Christmas” send signals to my brain that I’m home and I’m about to see my family and I have to admit, when I hear it tomorrow, it will finally feel like Christmas to me and I’m looking forward to that.

In fact, as much shit as I’ve listened to people dish out about the south, about me making out with my brothers (ewwww), about how my teeth are mighty plentiful for a southern girl blah, blah, blah, I have to say, there are a gracious plenty things I love about my state and about my holiday traditions that I’d never change, no matter where I live the other 364 days of the year.

For instance, people out here laugh when I tell them the first earthquake I ever felt was in Kentucky. I couldn’t possibly understand the seriousness of a real earthquake. True.

But, to you sassy people (or to all y’all, if you will) I also have to say, in MY native state, a tree that falls through the roof of someone’s house after some low-grade thunderstorm does NOT headline EVERY SINGLE NEWSCAST on EVERY LOCAL STATION for 2 days. If that was the case, we’d never have time for the important news. You know, the basketball updates.

Because out here, the number of choices and causes you can choose to support is mind-boggling and that’s why I love it. But it’s also why I love returning home a few times a year, to slow down the pace. At home in the KY, the biggest discussion point is pretty much blue or red, Kentucky or Louisville, Tubby or Rick, do you still eat Golden Flake chips? (one of Rick’s old endorsements when he coached Kentucky) do you still buy Ford cars and trucks? (Rick’s chosen endorsement car brand when at KY). The answers, of course, as anyone with any horse sense will tell you are blue, Kentucky, Tubby, no and HELL NO. In Lexington, you like Kentucky. In Kentucky you like basketball, Kentucky bourbon and horses. Period. And if you don’t like any of those, you might as well put your family in the witness protection program and ship yourself out to North Dakota or some other no-name basketball/bourbon state.

Yep, in the KY the choices are pretty simple. Nobody sums it up any better than the Aunt in “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”: “Whaddya mean he don’t eat NO MEAT?” Mmmhmm. In the KY, meat’s bigger than Chip and Pepper jeans or Havania flip flops. Vegans? Organic meat and produce lovers? Low-cholesterol, low-fat, low-carb diets? Je m’appelle cou cou shou shou WHAT? Those haven’t really caught on yet, at least not at Christmas.

No, when we come a callin’ on ya mama an’ em, we bring homemade biscuits, potato chips dipped in chocolate, bourbon balls and of course, the mother load of the Kentucky Christmas: a country ham, which is basically a ham rubbed in salt and aged for about 100 years. Yep, it sounds gross, but you slap a piece of that on one of your mama’s homemade yeast biscuits and have a few sips of your Maker’s/Booker’s/Woodford Reserve and water and you can damn sure bet you’re gonna taste somethin’ that’s gonna make you slap your grandmamma it’s so good.

For the Christmas movie selection, it’s safe to say that most Kentuckians won’t see any movies about gay cowboys. Nosirree. We opt for the holiday blockbusters. This year, I predict my family will see no less than 4 films during my 6-day visit: “Rumor Has It”, “Kong”, “The Family Stone” (which I’ve seen but will pretend I haven’t) and (hopefully) “Memoirs of a Geisha.”

During my 6-day visit, I will also run into people I went to high school and/or college with. I will explain no less than 17 times that no, I am not married and no, I do not have kids, no, I do not live in Kentucky anymore and no, I do not want to move back. I live in San Francisco and after an uncomfortable silence, I will answer the question some ballsy person will invariably ask: no, I’m not a lesbian. I will tell people I’m a copywriter and they will ask me at what law firm I practice my copyrighting. I will try to avoid the college acquaintance who lectured me on straying from God’s Path when I told him I was going through a divorce 4 years ago. I will try to avoid him because if I see him and have to exchange more than 2 words I can almost guarantee that I will cause him some sort of bodily harm.

Yes, it’s a unique place, the KY. It has its challenges but it also has its charms. For every fond memory you Californians have of your first Iron Man, your first Alcatraz swim, your summers in Outward Bound and where you were during the ‘Quake of ’89 I’ve got one of my first 4th of July fun run, the first tornado I thought I might not live through, the day I learned that the cute pigs I saw at the after school animal farm would someday become a prized country ham, and when I learned that the really cute new guy at my high school was a Louisville fan. That was the end of THAT guy.

So Merry Christmas, y’all. And Happy Channukah (why the “C” only sometimes? D Shaw? Jaime?) Happy Ramadan, Joyeux Kwanza, Happy Boxing Day. Peace and joy to everyone, even if its just for 24 hours.

15 Comments:

Blogger Jaime Schwarz said...

Firstly, Merry Christmas. It's the only religious holiday that is actually a federal holiday, so it's secularly OK to say it event though the White House xmas card says Happy Holidays and I say it all the time, even to the people that, like me, are not followers of the cross. My mother's favorite music is christmas music for Jesus' sake! We have a tree and I just put the lights up yesterday, and we love it. I even have my baby's first Christmas 1978 ornament, googoo gaga. And coming from hippy, liberal, godless, Hillary residing Chappaqua, I'm with you RB, or rather, my savior.

Secondly, Channukah is just a hebrew word so any english spelling is just a suggestion. But if you want to get that throat thing going, the C is there to help. Just like all those idiots who came over from Germany and put a T in their Schwarz to help it sound pronounceably similar to the german. But me, I'm a Schwarz with no T and if you wanna spell it Hannukah that's cool with me.

Thirdly, I must repeat these words: mama's bourbon balls.

Merry Christmas RB from my house to yours!

5:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've always had a fondness for "The KY." Must be my love of bourbon, Ashely Judd, KY basketball and Rick Pitino. But after reading this post? I think I absolutely must go down again for a longer visit. And preferrably during the holidays so I can try some of that salted ham. Damn, that sounds good.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, RBrown! Have a great time with the family!

6:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was a horse-crazy kid and in middle school I SOOOO wanted to go to Kentucky and study vet medicine. Instead I ended up studying English at Delaware. Not sure what happened there...

I love me some country ham. My MIL's bringing some for Christmas dinner and I can't wait! Better have those jugs of water ready I guess.

Hope you have a very Merry Christmas and enjoy your trip home!

7:10 AM  
Blogger Tweets said...

You see you've made me feel better about going home to Oklahoma (Oklahoma is OK! in case you didn't know). And although I too will have to dodge the questions about when that boy of mine will get me a ring, and that yes, I know there are only so many fertile years a girl's got. But at least down here a cashier will engage you in actual conversation. And mean it when they say have a nice day.

And it's down here that people actaully understand and appreciate the beauty that is a Super Wal-Mart.

9:27 AM  
Blogger concha said...

this has very little to do with xmas or the south, but i do have something to say about one thing you said....

man. i HATE explaining the copywriting thing. hate it hate it more than i hate the subway strikers right now hate it. but i was forced to admit my occupation once again this weekend, and since you're a fellow pretty copwriter, you might enjoy this one.

so i got out from work early saturday night. and i joined the rican at a drum n bass party at this club in chelsea. a girl comes up to me and felt the need to go on and on about how pretty she thought i was...she had to have been coked the fuck up or something to be going on like this. that, or she happend to miss the fact that HELLO, I'M HOLDING HANDS WITH A BOY HERE...it's not like that.

anyway..she asked if i was an actress. and i just said no...trying to avoid having to explain what i do. so then she had to ask..."well, then what do you do?"

so i said, "i'm an advertising copywriter."

and she said "well...at least you're pretty."

9:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i hear kentucky has good grass. and i *love* grass. merry christmasses, fellow copywriter. i think you and virgo and concha and half-listening have the market cornered on hottie copywriterness.

9:49 AM  
Blogger gina said...

MERRY CHRISTMAS MS. BROWN! Are you bringing back some of those bourbon balls and ham for the rest of us? Gawd! Now I'm hungry!

10:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

thedshaw-

I know; mine's the 16th. Still far away enough to get a little recognition but close enough to get birthday presents wrapped in Christmas paper. I've gotten used to it.

Love Lexington, rbrown. Never lived further south than St.Louis, (covered the north east to west) but did much good business in Lexington.

Merry Christmas!

1:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'll be going to the evangelical center of the universe - C.Springs.
a little song for you, on Christmas.

Mr Hanky, the CHristmas Poo. I love him, he Loves you.

Christmas mistletoe kisses RBrownieKlaus

4:16 PM  
Blogger Single, Party of One said...

MVM!!Girrrrl, I can't believe i forgot me some red-eye gravy! thank you for reminding me and note to everyone else: until you've tried red-eye gravy, don't ask what's in it. it's delicious, but if you know before you try it, you'll never try it.

Been here for 13 hours and have already seen 4 blow up gigantic santas in front yards, 2 blow up reindeer and 2 grown men wearing santa claus sweaters. good times. welcome to the south, y'all!


hot pepper jelly....oh my holy shit. that is some good stuff...
i'll bring ya back some, MVM!

6:46 PM  
Blogger sissy said...

I have been schooled. Love ya girl. As another southern girl with all my teeth - I salute your non lesbian, veering from God's path, California transplanted, basketball rooting, bourbon swigging, copywriting ass. Merry Christmas, let me be the last to say it this year! Mabel

6:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If we really wanted to take the multicultural sensitivity thing the whole 9, wouldn't we all wish each other whatever holiday reflects our religious tradition? Happy Holidays is just so milquetoast. We live next door to a jewish family and I wish them a happy C/hannukah, they wish me a merry christmas. And if you don't know, maybe say whatever your tradition is. But that's only if we wanted to be truly multicultural. I'm cool with saying HH and just being 21st century blue state american if that's the best we can do.

Speaking of blue state's of a different variety: RB you made me miss going home for to the center of the bluegrass for xmas. Won't even tell you what I had for xmas dinner between pulling all-nighters with the kids. My wife's mom has a couple of pretty good recipes, but they just don't really cook. Lots things in big plastic trays that taste okay but don't have that extra ::umph:: you get from country ham, homemade casseroles, hot biscuits and gravy. And Derby pie. Don't even fucking get me started about Derby pie. It's pecan pie with choclate chips and bourbon -- the real ky motherlode. Bourbon balls my ass.

If you run into any of our hs friends tell them I'm a professional wrestler transvestite or something. Tell your mom hi and don't take no shit from any of your exboyfriends.

2:43 PM  
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