Maybe the world needs one big colonic
But wait – there’s more! (Insert starburst and 800 # here)
I don’t usually “rant” blogger-style, but today I’ve been making a mental list of things I’ve seen and/or experienced in the past 24 hours that I just don’t get. I turn to you, dear friends of the blogosphere, for answers. Hook a sister up….please.
From the bowels of Craigslist…
*Multiple stuffed animals – I don’t know about all of you but nothing makes me feel more relaxed at the end of a hard day than coming home to my collection of 10 stuffed animals, perfectly lined up on both sides of my sectional sofa, “watching” TV with me. And I get such satisfaction, such a sense of camaraderie, when I eat dinner and more of my stuffed animal family joins me, propped up on the 3 other chairs at the table. I don’t feel quite so lonely.
(Cue Peter Gabriel’s “Solsbury Hill”) Meet Clio. A grown woman on a quest to find the perfect roommate…for she and her stuffed friends!
I wish I were kidding. (I opted “no” on the room”).
*Pagan/vegan/vegetarian/scent-free/freakish Nazi people– OK, it’s your house. You’re looking for a roommate, you make the rules. But let’s just say that we get along really well, we click personality-wise. (That should be a good thing for potential roommates, right?) Now here’s a crazy compromise: I won’t make you eat any heinous cow or pig, I’ll use my own pans to cook that shit up and I’ll even store the offending cookware in my bedroom after I’ve washed it, somewhere behind my scent-free detergent underneath my copy of the Bible, behind my Jehovah’s Witness handbook and adjacent to all my Halloween costumes that I’ll never subject you to seeing. If we like each other and you’re true to your posting when you say “we don’t need to be best friends”, why should that matter?? Why can’t we all just get along? Give peace a chance, friend. (See? I’ll even try to get into your “communal vibe” requirement.)
…To crappy advertising angles…
*Left weave– The latest signage around Gap stores touts their new left weave jeans. Did I miss the launch of their right-weave jeans? Does anyone know the benefits of left vs. right weave? Are these left-weave jeans perhaps more liberal with the fabric? Roomier in the hip region? It’s a mystery.
*Tide Coldwater – Did you know that you could save up to $63 per year on your water bill by washing all your clothes in new (starburst!)? Tide Coldwater? Do you care? Exactly. Not that I’m pooh-poohing saving money, but that’s a mere 17 cents a day. I’m pretty sure I could dig out 17 old-chewed-gum-covered dirty pennies from my purse every day and just use hot water on my whites like a normal person and not have to spend the $63 I’ve saved on 9 or 10 bottles of $9 Tide Coldwater, thus leaving me in the hole roughly $30. (I’m tons of fun at parties) Seriously, Tide. LAME.
….and back to more bowels, this time from Hollywood
*“Fashionista Lisa” from Access Hollywoood – How did this woman earn this title? From her stints on “Days of Our Lives”, “Melrose Place” and now…”Dancing with the Stars”? Is this a revival of the ‘70s when people who weren’t really famous became famous simply for going on shows like “Match Game” and declaring their celebrity-hood? (Please tell me someone besides me remembers Charles Nelson Reilly and Brett Sommers).
*Drew’s bra – Let’s see. I’m going on TV tonight in front of half a billion people. But it’s cool, I don’t need a bra. I’ll just let these jugs hang almost to my belly button in front of a good portion of the world’s population. And for added shits and giggles, I’ll select a (gorgeous) dress that’s so thin that the world can also see some nip action. Yeah, that’s a good plan. Because I’m already a star, it doesn’t matter. People loved “E.T”; they’ll love my nipples. Hey look, there’s Steven Spielberg! Hi, Stevie!
*ALL the “Desperate Housewives”/Melanie Griffith/Penelope Cruz/Mariah Carey – Do these women annoy the shit out of anyone but me? And Terry Hatcher! Stop acting like a 14-year old on a sugar rush from 2 packs of Hubba Bubba. For fuck’s sake! The world is watching, carry yourself with a modicum of adult dignity, woman!
And somebody, anybody, WHAT is the fascination with Mariah Carey? Do people really LIKE that heinous, hideola CD? OK, I hate it when people criticize my music choices…music is personal after all. (No really, people like it?)
Whew. I feel better just getting it all out there. Maybe this was my blogging colonic. I feel lighter and more radiant already.