Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Maybe the world needs one big colonic

Life just sometimes leaves you shaking your head, doesn’t it? I’m on the hunt again for housing (this time I’m signing a lease so I don’t have to endure this hell for at least 6 months) and as usual, craigslist and the fine people of San Francisco do not disappoint in the “WTF” category.

But wait – there’s more! (Insert starburst and 800 # here)

I don’t usually “rant” blogger-style, but today I’ve been making a mental list of things I’ve seen and/or experienced in the past 24 hours that I just don’t get. I turn to you, dear friends of the blogosphere, for answers. Hook a sister up….please.

From the bowels of Craigslist…
*Multiple stuffed animals – I don’t know about all of you but nothing makes me feel more relaxed at the end of a hard day than coming home to my collection of 10 stuffed animals, perfectly lined up on both sides of my sectional sofa, “watching” TV with me. And I get such satisfaction, such a sense of camaraderie, when I eat dinner and more of my stuffed animal family joins me, propped up on the 3 other chairs at the table. I don’t feel quite so lonely.

(Cue Peter Gabriel’s “Solsbury Hill”) Meet Clio. A grown woman on a quest to find the perfect roommate…for she and her stuffed friends!

I wish I were kidding. (I opted “no” on the room”).

*Pagan/vegan/vegetarian/scent-free/freakish Nazi people– OK, it’s your house. You’re looking for a roommate, you make the rules. But let’s just say that we get along really well, we click personality-wise. (That should be a good thing for potential roommates, right?) Now here’s a crazy compromise: I won’t make you eat any heinous cow or pig, I’ll use my own pans to cook that shit up and I’ll even store the offending cookware in my bedroom after I’ve washed it, somewhere behind my scent-free detergent underneath my copy of the Bible, behind my Jehovah’s Witness handbook and adjacent to all my Halloween costumes that I’ll never subject you to seeing. If we like each other and you’re true to your posting when you say “we don’t need to be best friends”, why should that matter?? Why can’t we all just get along? Give peace a chance, friend. (See? I’ll even try to get into your “communal vibe” requirement.)

…To crappy advertising angles…
*Left weave– The latest signage around Gap stores touts their new left weave jeans. Did I miss the launch of their right-weave jeans? Does anyone know the benefits of left vs. right weave? Are these left-weave jeans perhaps more liberal with the fabric? Roomier in the hip region? It’s a mystery.

*Tide Coldwater – Did you know that you could save up to $63 per year on your water bill by washing all your clothes in new (starburst!)? Tide Coldwater? Do you care? Exactly. Not that I’m pooh-poohing saving money, but that’s a mere 17 cents a day. I’m pretty sure I could dig out 17 old-chewed-gum-covered dirty pennies from my purse every day and just use hot water on my whites like a normal person and not have to spend the $63 I’ve saved on 9 or 10 bottles of $9 Tide Coldwater, thus leaving me in the hole roughly $30. (I’m tons of fun at parties) Seriously, Tide. LAME.

….and back to more bowels, this time from Hollywood
*“Fashionista Lisa” from Access Hollywoood – How did this woman earn this title? From her stints on “Days of Our Lives”, “Melrose Place” and now…”Dancing with the Stars”? Is this a revival of the ‘70s when people who weren’t really famous became famous simply for going on shows like “Match Game” and declaring their celebrity-hood? (Please tell me someone besides me remembers Charles Nelson Reilly and Brett Sommers).

*Drew’s bra – Let’s see. I’m going on TV tonight in front of half a billion people. But it’s cool, I don’t need a bra. I’ll just let these jugs hang almost to my belly button in front of a good portion of the world’s population. And for added shits and giggles, I’ll select a (gorgeous) dress that’s so thin that the world can also see some nip action. Yeah, that’s a good plan. Because I’m already a star, it doesn’t matter. People loved “E.T”; they’ll love my nipples. Hey look, there’s Steven Spielberg! Hi, Stevie!

*ALL the “Desperate Housewives”/Melanie Griffith/Penelope Cruz/Mariah Carey – Do these women annoy the shit out of anyone but me? And Terry Hatcher! Stop acting like a 14-year old on a sugar rush from 2 packs of Hubba Bubba. For fuck’s sake! The world is watching, carry yourself with a modicum of adult dignity, woman!

And somebody, anybody, WHAT is the fascination with Mariah Carey? Do people really LIKE that heinous, hideola CD? OK, I hate it when people criticize my music choices…music is personal after all. (No really, people like it?)

Whew. I feel better just getting it all out there. Maybe this was my blogging colonic. I feel lighter and more radiant already.


Blogger concha said...

maraiah fucking carey. i'll admit. i owned a few of her cds. BUT THEN I ENTERED THE EIGHT GRADE. and for the rest of my life, i've been under the delusion i guess, that her only fans were middle school girls who didn't know any better. and were about to enter the ninth grade.

until one night, i made the mistake of going out after work with those ridiculous girls i worked with. 9 stupid cocktial waitresses, crammed in a car, and they put on a mariah carey cd...and started SINGING AT THE TOP OF THIER LUNGS. I was horrified to the point of sacrificing the rest of my life and throwing myself out of the moving car.

i'm still alive. barely.

7:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You crack me up. And can I tell you that I was thinking the exact same thing about Mariah. I am stunned that she has the same number of top ten songs as Elvis.
Somebody out there thinks she's the shit. It is not me. And wtf? This chick gains and loses weight more often than I change my underwear.

Good luck with the apartment hunting. It sounds heinous.

8:27 AM  
Blogger Tweets said...

All I can say is A-FUCKING-MEN. I am just as perplexed by Mariah Carey as you are. Sometimes whenI see her on the TV I have to restrain myself from screaming "YOU'RE ALOMST FORTY COVER UP YO' SHIT!"

I believe Drew's breats served as a conduit for secret subliminal information from the government because I could NOT take my eyes off of those girls. I don't even know what she said in her speech.

As for Terri Hatcher, you hit the nail on the head with that one. Jebus, woman we get it.

8:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I HATE HATE HATE the housewives. I wish I could pipebomb their set. Oh shit, I said pipebomb...I was probably just red-flagged. I Am the Only person in America that doesn't watch them. Ever. Not. One. Second. I'm with you RB.

and Mariah - a fat baby stuck in an adults body. UGH.

9:37 AM  
Blogger DP said...

I have to say that while stuck in cold, wet, rainy London, missing the comforts of the U.S., I let myself get sucked into the whirlwind of Desperate Housewives.

There. I admitted it.

However, to save face, I haven't watched the show since I've been back so no one send me hate mail.

As for Mariah Carey, preach on sistah! I couldn't stand her in high school and I can't stand her now. And what the hell was she wearing at the Golden Globes?? I mean, it's called "going a size up" if it doesn't fit right! And I'm oh-so-SICK of seeing her flaunt her bloody legs every time she's on TV. THEY'RE NOT THAT GREAT TO BEGIN WITH!

Damn it. Another 5 minutes wasted on Mariah Carey.

10:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

RB, you crack me up.

Those stuffed animals watching me all the damn time would creep me out. Not to mention it's just a leeetle bit weird to think of them as family.

I didn't watch the Golden Globes, but saw the pictures of Drew Barrymore in That Green Dress (what was she thinking? she looks like a cow!) and Teri Hatcher rushing to beat her costars to the stage. "Desperate" housewives indeed.

3:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just what a blog is for baby. *Mariah Carey...did you get a load of that rifuckedulous butterfly ring?!*Desperate my ass, those bitches are livin' large and seriously Teri, put down the hubba bubba and eat a fucking peanut!

SO SO sorry about the roommate hell, i feel your pain...too many times before.

7:48 PM  
Blogger Jaime Schwarz said...

Wow RB these just keep getting funnier and better!
Although I'm not the desperate housewives kind of watcher it was sill within my ability to laugh my ass of at those 4 year olds when the woman from Weeds beat all of them out for best actress. In yo face! (I guess I should watch Weeds.)
And I agree with Tweets about the government plot using Drew's sagging mountains as bait. Every time I hear her voice now I get this weird urge to sign up for the army.
And as it seems I'm the only guy to comment here, I must defend those other weird mounds attached to Mariah Carey. Cause no matter how crazy the melon on her shoulders is, the ones on her chest will always be my friends.
Good luck with the move. Bella Grace is growing so fast she'll probably be able to help you with carrying shit by the time she and her mama get there.

10:09 AM  
Blogger gina said...

You so crack me up, Woman! I gotta hand it to you - I would have been drooling and babbling and walking down the middle of the street by now after that apartment search. You got guts. I am so glad that Mariah and Drew were nice enough to give you some respite from Nazis and stuffed friends. I, on the other hand, have spent the last few days enjoying the fact that my boobies are nicer than Drew's. Bwaahahaha.

8:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Could. Not. Agree. With. You. More! Especially when it comes to those damn Housewives. If I see Eva Longoria whore herself out to the media one more time, i think I'm going to bang my head against the wall. As for the rest of them? A cookie might help but I think you're right...a colonic would be much better!

9:34 AM  
Blogger Eddie said...

Hi, I was surfing the internet and came across your blog. I'm quite impressed , with how it makes such good reading.

This is one to watch.

Many thanks,

6:54 AM  
Blogger gina said...

Wheeerrree aaarrrreee yoooouuuu?!? Is your laptop in a shopping cart being wheeled around San Francisco? Are you ok?

7:44 PM  
Blogger sissy said...

Screenplay - Apartment Hunting with Bacon Grease

Opening scene:
Lovely day in SF,cut to living room with stuffed animals lined up on couch. Obviously CRAZY woman sits near by, patiently waiting for her new victim/roomate.

Play ominous music...

Enter stage left: Bacon Grease

Viewers will not be surprised to see miss bacon grease stuffed in the freezer in scene 2!

I will say a prayer for you! Oh, and blog! Just so we know that the Vegans don't have you buried in the garden!

8:50 AM  
Blogger BITE MY COOKIE said...

i may be late to the party, but that was a snarfing-good read. you are one funny mutha.

10:29 PM  
Blogger Pinterest Failures said...

Very funny post. Read about you on MetroDad.

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