More tales of vegetable dating...now with graphic detail!
Back from the dead. Yeah, I know – does anyone still come here to read anything? Is this thing on? Testing…hello, hello?
Better if it’s not. I have nothing of… ahem, real value to say today except this: I still maintain that online dating is ASS. ASS, I tell you.
Here’s why: (and now is the moment I’ve chosen to divulge seriously personal information on this blog. Screw it. It’s my blog. Nobody’s reading this thing anymore anyway. If you’re my brother, please stop reading this post NOW).
We now resume our normal blog entry. ANYhoo, I had a SECOND date last weekend with this really, really cute boy. Really, he’s a MAN, he’s 36, for God’s sake. A MAN! (I just like the sound of that…a man. GRRR.) And he’s totally dreamy. Did I mention that? Really funny, very nice, seems like a genuinely nice and good-hearted person, cares about his family, values time with friends, I mean – a GOOD guy. And totally my look. (Remember, MetroDad when you questioned my crush on Matthew Fox? He kinda reminds me of him in a small way. Only better looking.).
Anyway, you get the picture. Let me bring you up to date. First date was fun. After the first date, I emailed him the next day (mistake?) to thank him. In my wittiest and least scary stalker-girl kind of way, I did my best to let him know I was interested lest he have ANY CONFUSION. He writes me back – 2 days later – (which I know is normal but pre-date he had been shooting me emails all the time and way faster, but whatev) a very nice, looong, funny email with links to funny things we talked about on our date. But he didn’t ask me out or mention seeing me again. I emailed him back the next day an equally funny and nice yet not quite as long response. He emails me again, 2 days later, yet ANOTHER funny, loooong email. Again, no call to action (henceforth referred to in marketing speak as CTA) for a 2nd date. So I write again. (stupid). No response until 1 week and 2 days later. He calls me on a SUNDAY NIGHT and we talk for an hour and a half. Again no CTA. But an excellent convo.
So at this point I’m consulting Jeff, my dating guru who resides on the nightstand by my bed and goes by the handle “He’s Just Not That Into You”. I specifically read and RE-READ the chapters entitled “He’s just not that into you if he’s not asking you out” and “he’s just not that into you if he’s not calling.” And (cue dramatic music) I broke up with him. In my head. But it was a break-up nonetheless. I appropriately donned a sexy scarf, dark glasses and all-black outfit. Goodbye, Onion boy. Our time was brief, yet satisfying.
Then, one week and 2 days later, he calls me again at 7:30 in the evening. To “touch base”. OK, I’m still at work otherwise I would’ve asked this so-hot-it’s-burning-my-brain question: exactly what BASE are you touching, man? ????? Because from my perspective there’s nothing being touched!!! NOTHING!!! NOTHING!!! And since he hasn’t asked me out, I have to assume he’s put me in the friend bucket, though we don’t know enough about each other to really BE friends yet (OK, I’m pretty sure I’d wanna be his friend if I didn’t have such a crush on him at this point but again…whatev). Is this a courtesy call? Am I the Honda Civic in this scenario? Is this my routine 3-month oil change call? Guy friends tell me NO GUY will take the time to call if he’s not interested on some level. So WTF? I mean, just go away. You had an out. That’s what men have being doing since the beginning of time. And it’s OK. Girls are used to it. At least it answers the question of “are you interested?” But this…this continued communication?? For God’s sake, man! Help a sister out!
One week and 2 days later (I’m starting to see a pattern here) he emails me to see if I want to see a movie at the SF Film Festival…on Friday night. I can’t. (I think I’m being cool here though I really did have plans). He calls me - on the TELEPHONE - to suggest Saturday. Coolness goes away, I say yes.
So, he picks me up (a car date! I’m actually house-sitting in San Leandro so that was nice),we go to dinner, we see the movie. He drops me back at my friend’s house after the movie. An uncomfortable period of me trying to fill any silences that may occur ensues. (why do I do that?) “Do you want to come in for some blueberries? Some water? A neck rub?” (background: he enjoyed some blueberries while waiting for me to finish up upon pick-up, he flirted with me – I think – by mentioning several times that he’d like a neck rub to cure his ailing neck and thighs from snowboarding and soccer).
What the….?? HOLD ON!! Am I “coffee guy?” Maybe I DO have whore tattooed on my forehead?
Anyway, he comes in and here’s the question. We mess around a little. On a second date. Now I’ve consulted my Board of Directors of friends but I need to know from the masses – are girls who mess around a little on the 2nd date forever written off? What’s normal in the dating world now? And normal for someone of my age…you know somewhere in my teen years x 2. I have needs, people! Anyway, when people say they “messed around” what does it mean? I need to know! Jeff doesn’t talk to me about this from his perch on the nightstand.
When he leaves, there’s no CTA. Just “I had a great time, thanks for going, etc”. But I’m used to no CTA. So why would I expect it at this point? I think he’s out of town so I haven’t expected a call. I’ve been re-reading Jeff occasionally to uncover some kernel of wisdom and my kernel is this: he will not call. I told this to another friend who told me that I really should try putting positive energy out there instead.
SFX: Dream-like music. Insert soft-focus screen with fogged out corners over any images that may appear in your head.
He WILL call me. Right now, he’s somewhere on a plane, heaving a deep sigh of fantasy ecstasy, chin resting dreamily in one hand while the other hand lazily scrawls his first name in cursive with my last name. He’s probably drawing some pretty daisies by it too. He’s got a plus sign with our initials in it: OB + RB (onion boy). He’s consulting his magic 8 ball: does she like me? (maybe). If I ask her out again, will she say yes? (chances are good).
Riddle me this, blogosphere (and anything else you think might be helpful):
1) Why does he keep communicating with me? Why can’t he do what every other guy does and just stop calling if he’s not interested? Or am I back burner girl ‘til he can figure out something else with a different main course girl? I’m not really into being back burner girl. I do not aspire to be a side dish, you silly, trifling man! I clearly have “MAIN COURSE” written on my forehead (which I think is blending in with “WHORE” so it might be hard to see).
2) What does “messing around” really mean these days? Get graphic, please. Sign in anonymously if you must. But I need to know.
3) Did I sign a 3rd date death warrant by letting him touch me anywhere below the neck? Or by touching him anywhere below the neck? (Ummm…OK, so maybe below the belt).
Don’t worry. I’m working on dates with other people too. I’m not CRAZY, for heaven’s sake. (nervous laugh, twitch, twitch). I’m just looking for some answers on this. To fill in the gaps where Jeff can’t. Thanks, bloggers. (twitch).
Better if it’s not. I have nothing of… ahem, real value to say today except this: I still maintain that online dating is ASS. ASS, I tell you.
Here’s why: (and now is the moment I’ve chosen to divulge seriously personal information on this blog. Screw it. It’s my blog. Nobody’s reading this thing anymore anyway. If you’re my brother, please stop reading this post NOW).
We now resume our normal blog entry. ANYhoo, I had a SECOND date last weekend with this really, really cute boy. Really, he’s a MAN, he’s 36, for God’s sake. A MAN! (I just like the sound of that…a man. GRRR.) And he’s totally dreamy. Did I mention that? Really funny, very nice, seems like a genuinely nice and good-hearted person, cares about his family, values time with friends, I mean – a GOOD guy. And totally my look. (Remember, MetroDad when you questioned my crush on Matthew Fox? He kinda reminds me of him in a small way. Only better looking.).
Anyway, you get the picture. Let me bring you up to date. First date was fun. After the first date, I emailed him the next day (mistake?) to thank him. In my wittiest and least scary stalker-girl kind of way, I did my best to let him know I was interested lest he have ANY CONFUSION. He writes me back – 2 days later – (which I know is normal but pre-date he had been shooting me emails all the time and way faster, but whatev) a very nice, looong, funny email with links to funny things we talked about on our date. But he didn’t ask me out or mention seeing me again. I emailed him back the next day an equally funny and nice yet not quite as long response. He emails me again, 2 days later, yet ANOTHER funny, loooong email. Again, no call to action (henceforth referred to in marketing speak as CTA) for a 2nd date. So I write again. (stupid). No response until 1 week and 2 days later. He calls me on a SUNDAY NIGHT and we talk for an hour and a half. Again no CTA. But an excellent convo.
So at this point I’m consulting Jeff, my dating guru who resides on the nightstand by my bed and goes by the handle “He’s Just Not That Into You”. I specifically read and RE-READ the chapters entitled “He’s just not that into you if he’s not asking you out” and “he’s just not that into you if he’s not calling.” And (cue dramatic music) I broke up with him. In my head. But it was a break-up nonetheless. I appropriately donned a sexy scarf, dark glasses and all-black outfit. Goodbye, Onion boy. Our time was brief, yet satisfying.
Then, one week and 2 days later, he calls me again at 7:30 in the evening. To “touch base”. OK, I’m still at work otherwise I would’ve asked this so-hot-it’s-burning-my-brain question: exactly what BASE are you touching, man? ????? Because from my perspective there’s nothing being touched!!! NOTHING!!! NOTHING!!! And since he hasn’t asked me out, I have to assume he’s put me in the friend bucket, though we don’t know enough about each other to really BE friends yet (OK, I’m pretty sure I’d wanna be his friend if I didn’t have such a crush on him at this point but again…whatev). Is this a courtesy call? Am I the Honda Civic in this scenario? Is this my routine 3-month oil change call? Guy friends tell me NO GUY will take the time to call if he’s not interested on some level. So WTF? I mean, just go away. You had an out. That’s what men have being doing since the beginning of time. And it’s OK. Girls are used to it. At least it answers the question of “are you interested?” But this…this continued communication?? For God’s sake, man! Help a sister out!
One week and 2 days later (I’m starting to see a pattern here) he emails me to see if I want to see a movie at the SF Film Festival…on Friday night. I can’t. (I think I’m being cool here though I really did have plans). He calls me - on the TELEPHONE - to suggest Saturday. Coolness goes away, I say yes.
So, he picks me up (a car date! I’m actually house-sitting in San Leandro so that was nice),we go to dinner, we see the movie. He drops me back at my friend’s house after the movie. An uncomfortable period of me trying to fill any silences that may occur ensues. (why do I do that?) “Do you want to come in for some blueberries? Some water? A neck rub?” (background: he enjoyed some blueberries while waiting for me to finish up upon pick-up, he flirted with me – I think – by mentioning several times that he’d like a neck rub to cure his ailing neck and thighs from snowboarding and soccer).
What the….?? HOLD ON!! Am I “coffee guy?” Maybe I DO have whore tattooed on my forehead?
Anyway, he comes in and here’s the question. We mess around a little. On a second date. Now I’ve consulted my Board of Directors of friends but I need to know from the masses – are girls who mess around a little on the 2nd date forever written off? What’s normal in the dating world now? And normal for someone of my age…you know somewhere in my teen years x 2. I have needs, people! Anyway, when people say they “messed around” what does it mean? I need to know! Jeff doesn’t talk to me about this from his perch on the nightstand.
When he leaves, there’s no CTA. Just “I had a great time, thanks for going, etc”. But I’m used to no CTA. So why would I expect it at this point? I think he’s out of town so I haven’t expected a call. I’ve been re-reading Jeff occasionally to uncover some kernel of wisdom and my kernel is this: he will not call. I told this to another friend who told me that I really should try putting positive energy out there instead.
SFX: Dream-like music. Insert soft-focus screen with fogged out corners over any images that may appear in your head.
He WILL call me. Right now, he’s somewhere on a plane, heaving a deep sigh of fantasy ecstasy, chin resting dreamily in one hand while the other hand lazily scrawls his first name in cursive with my last name. He’s probably drawing some pretty daisies by it too. He’s got a plus sign with our initials in it: OB + RB (onion boy). He’s consulting his magic 8 ball: does she like me? (maybe). If I ask her out again, will she say yes? (chances are good).
Riddle me this, blogosphere (and anything else you think might be helpful):
1) Why does he keep communicating with me? Why can’t he do what every other guy does and just stop calling if he’s not interested? Or am I back burner girl ‘til he can figure out something else with a different main course girl? I’m not really into being back burner girl. I do not aspire to be a side dish, you silly, trifling man! I clearly have “MAIN COURSE” written on my forehead (which I think is blending in with “WHORE” so it might be hard to see).
2) What does “messing around” really mean these days? Get graphic, please. Sign in anonymously if you must. But I need to know.
3) Did I sign a 3rd date death warrant by letting him touch me anywhere below the neck? Or by touching him anywhere below the neck? (Ummm…OK, so maybe below the belt).
Don’t worry. I’m working on dates with other people too. I’m not CRAZY, for heaven’s sake. (nervous laugh, twitch, twitch). I’m just looking for some answers on this. To fill in the gaps where Jeff can’t. Thanks, bloggers. (twitch).
posted by Single, Party of One at 2:41 PM
8 Comments:
RBrown! You know how excited I get when you put up a new post. Seriously, I almost giggle like a school girl when I see you back in the blogging world.
Alas, OnionBoy. What can I say? In reply to your queries, here's my two cents...
1. He's either (a) gay or sexually confused, (b) a player, or (c) a total commitment-phobe. All 3 scenarios might be possible. After all, you do live in SF. And the dude is 36.
2. These days, I think "messing around" can cover everything except full-on nudity and/or genital contact.
3. You did NOT sign a 3rd date death warrant by "messing around." As long as you didn't have sex with him, I don't think the fooling around should have made a difference.
Oh yeah...one more thing. I've heard from some of my female friends who are doing the online dating thing that there's a strange sub-species of men who use the internet and become serial daters. They're constantly going on dates with women they meet online but won't commit to any of them. It's like a game to them. Perhaps Onion Boy is one of those guys?
Anyway...If he's not calling you up and appreciating the coolness that is RBrown, I say he's a sucker. And like the rapper DJ Quik says, "Sometimes, it takes a little time to get sucka-free."
OH Bacon, please just read my blog. Got to February and read the entries with Hottiemagee in them. Then decide what you want to do but, if my writing is too painful for you here's the short version.
He's not into you enough. You can spend some time hoping and waiting then get pushed to do something Jeff would sneer at like ask him if he is "indifferent" which will probably result in him acting all offended because he has given you SOMETHING and that should be enough. And you'll be made to feel like some sort of psycho. BUT, it isn't enough. You deserve-as my friend BMC put it-someone to shout from the rooftops that they like you. At our age, both sides know when they know and they want to do everything to make sure the other person knows they know because by now, we DEFINITELY know that we aint the only fishes in the sea. So cut him loose and if he's beating down your door (that means NOT waiting DAYS to contact you) then great, he DOES see you're main course. And if he isn't, someone else who IS totally into you can have a taste.
And leave the hang-ups about when to mess around behind. Do what feels good and you won't misread by the right guy.
OK, so if no one comes here but the two of you, can I just say: I FUCKING LOVE THE TWO OF YOU!! Thank you for the clarifying words of wisdom...it's nice to hear it from people outside the board of directors, people who don't have to spend every day with me going "but do you think if i had done THIS instead of THIS...".
And Heidi, I'm going to RE-READ about Hottie Magee right now. I read it the first time through with great interest (your writing is excellent and I felt the pain and pleasures like they were my own).
Uncle Jesse, you giggling like a school girl with your fancy hair just makes ME giggle like a school girl. Now we're ALL giggling like school girls.
yeah rbrown...i was wondering when you were coming back! i've had the burd flu, so i've been away from the computer for a bit.
answers:
1. i don't think a 36 year old man would keep up the maintenance for just a back burner girl. really. you heard Berger on SATC, "if we're interested, we're coming up. nothing's stopping us from coming up." he has a pattern of calling afterall. Like he's got "ring rebecca" written on his daily calendar in a logical fashion. give yourself some credit, love. you're lovely and i can imagine dating you is a blast. such lovely scenery:)
2. messing around = above the clothes action
heavy pettting = under the clothes groping
knocking it out = knocking it out
3. no no no on the 3rd date warrant. you were every bit a lady that your momma raised you to be. you can still wear white to the Derby, lovy.
Scarry thing that MD was saying about seriel online daters. sound strikingly familiar. like i've read about it in GQ or Details. Chances are so has MD based on BossLadys biography of him. Be careful of him. Don't be lured in by good looks. Decide if he's worth all the question marks he's throwing out.
i think imma go with heidi. i think you're funny and he likes talking to you. he likes getting emails from you. he likes your company. can't blame him. but he's just not looking for a relationship. or maybe metro is right and he's still in the closet. either way, sucks but just let it slide. if he comes back for more bacon, then cool. but if not, you'll be better for not letting it get to you.
as a serial dater myself, i was following his actions by not giving you a CTA. from my serial dater POV, it could be a bunch of things: he wasn't sure about you, he has commitment issues, or he was seeing a bunch of people and figuring things out (after all, online dating is a numbers game). it's not as much as a game as it is the feeling of it just doesn't feel right. (it's a curse more than manipulation. i know).
the one thing that throws all that off is that he called you. a serial dater is comfortable in the e-mail world, and it wasn't like you were pressuring for a phone call. it's all this undue pressure put on him. you can control things in an e-mail. the call makes no sense whatsoever.
that's why i think that's a good thing for you in that he must have worked out whatever it was (commitment, numbers game, his opinion of you, etc) and calling was a way for him to make amends - because chicks love phone calls.
as for "messing around", it's all good. were there any explosions? then again, does it really matter? the situation will spell out what should happen next. sex on the first date isn't a bad thing if it's natural. nor is it terrible if it takes month. it's all about what feels right.
in my opinion? i think you broke through a barrier with this guy. keep on him. he's looking for a reason. give him one.
then again, this whole response was written by a serial dater, so take it for what it's worth.
One of these days, sweetheart, I'll get through to you. It may not be today, but I'll keep trying.
This has more to do with you than it does with him. It has to do with how you feel about yourself and what you expect. And, IMHO -- no, fuck that, it's not my opinion, it's the truth -- you don't think nearly enough of yourself.
But let's skip the psychology and get practical.
There's one, and only one, thing you can and should do. Write or call him and ask him what the hell is going on. Don't give a shit what anyone else tells you is cool or how this game is played. After all this time, if he's not ready to be intentional about coming after you, he's not what you deserve. Don't care if he's cute as a the dimple on a Beanie Baby's ass, he's a piece of shit. And if, as I suspect, you're looking for the "real thing," then you have no time for this.
The messing around thing is irrelevant. If a guy is into you, of course he'll want some play. Same thing if he isn't. Don't worry about that part. It means nothing.
One of these days, my friend, you'll start expecting what you deserve. Once you do, dolts like this will become a dying breed on your calendar, in your address book and in your head.
My Uncle said something to me a while back...
You'll find THE ONE when you are THE ONE...
I think it's kinda like Mac's thing...or it's just some Matrix sounding crap...I don't have any answers or advice but I do have mad love for you RB...Keep fighting the good fight.
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