The Ick Clause, 2006(a)
Thanks to everyone who commented, called and emailed after reading about my untenable tenant situation. It’s been a tough week. But I finally came to the decision that no matter what my landlord’s situation is now with regard to the old code 288c situation, it all comes down to me and what my comfort level is with the place I call home and the people who share the keys to my home and ultimately, my peace of mind. So I decided against moving in.
I’ve been thinking a lot about why I feel so crappy about this and I think it comes down to a couple of things. First off, ignorance really is bliss. From now on, I think I’ll choose ignorance. And vodka. Blissfully uninformed, never saw a link, never Googled anyone, Absolut drunken bliss. Because putting in my address and creating an interactive map in which sex crimes – with pictures of the criminals who committed said heinous crimes – revolve around my little world is just taking information and interactivity way too far. That, my friends, requires vodka.
There’s also the whole judgment issue. I’m not perfect – far from it. I may never have committed a code 288c, but I’ve done things that haven’t turned out so well that people have judged me for and that didn’t feel so hot. For example, I was married. I’m now divorced. I’ve lost more than one fish off the hook once I revealed that little gem and I’m sure I will again. I know what happened, what mistakes I made and what I should have done differently but those few people didn’t stick around to hear about it, having already made up their mind about me and what I might be like in future relationships. And there wasn’t one thing I could do about it. Their mind was made up. That sucked.
It made me wonder, what would the world be like if there was one cohesive offender site out there? A site that let you type in your address and returned a full range of morally reprehensible crimes in your neighborhood? Imagine how your day would change if your favorite Starbucks barista popped up under the “gets hammered and always sleeps with guys on the first date” square. Or your next-door neighbor’s pic popped up under the “steals money from kids college fund and hasn’t told wife yet”? Or maybe your dog-walker shows up under “addiction to porn”? Would you change dog walkers? Would you get your key back from your next-door neighbor? Would you hit on your Starbucks barista? Would you tell them you saw them on the Offender site?
See what I mean? It’s just too much. Ignorance is bliss.
Sometimes it sucks being an adult. Somebody pass the vodka.
I’ve been thinking a lot about why I feel so crappy about this and I think it comes down to a couple of things. First off, ignorance really is bliss. From now on, I think I’ll choose ignorance. And vodka. Blissfully uninformed, never saw a link, never Googled anyone, Absolut drunken bliss. Because putting in my address and creating an interactive map in which sex crimes – with pictures of the criminals who committed said heinous crimes – revolve around my little world is just taking information and interactivity way too far. That, my friends, requires vodka.
There’s also the whole judgment issue. I’m not perfect – far from it. I may never have committed a code 288c, but I’ve done things that haven’t turned out so well that people have judged me for and that didn’t feel so hot. For example, I was married. I’m now divorced. I’ve lost more than one fish off the hook once I revealed that little gem and I’m sure I will again. I know what happened, what mistakes I made and what I should have done differently but those few people didn’t stick around to hear about it, having already made up their mind about me and what I might be like in future relationships. And there wasn’t one thing I could do about it. Their mind was made up. That sucked.
It made me wonder, what would the world be like if there was one cohesive offender site out there? A site that let you type in your address and returned a full range of morally reprehensible crimes in your neighborhood? Imagine how your day would change if your favorite Starbucks barista popped up under the “gets hammered and always sleeps with guys on the first date” square. Or your next-door neighbor’s pic popped up under the “steals money from kids college fund and hasn’t told wife yet”? Or maybe your dog-walker shows up under “addiction to porn”? Would you change dog walkers? Would you get your key back from your next-door neighbor? Would you hit on your Starbucks barista? Would you tell them you saw them on the Offender site?
See what I mean? It’s just too much. Ignorance is bliss.
Sometimes it sucks being an adult. Somebody pass the vodka.
posted by Single, Party of One at 11:06 PM
8 Comments:
Your best post ever in the non-comedy category.
You're entertaining the idea of grace instead of justice, which is a beautiful idea until we try to practice it. It's hard. As Bono says, grace "travels outside of karma." That's too tall an order for most of us. We rely on karma to order the world. Yet, you -- most of us -- want not to judge, to forgive as we'd want to be forgiven. But it's hard, especially when having grace would rattle your life to the point where you don't even feel safe. That's too much for pretty much all of us. In fact, I know I guy that died because of grace. I'm glad He could do it, because, most of the time, I can't. But we're trying, RB, we're trying.
Hoy crap, RBrown! I leave town for a few days, come back to check up on you, and read the previous post! I had knots in my stomach after reading it. I'm so sorry you had a such a rough week!
In my opinion, I think you made the right decision. This is YOUR LIFE we're talking about here. There's no need to take any unnecessary risks like moving in with a known sex offendor. It's not a matter of being judgemental. It's a matter of being safe and comfortable in your own home...a place that's meant to be your refuge and haven from the outside world. If you can't be comfortable at home, what's the point?
I understand your concerns and your desire to be objective, non-judgemental and "do the right thing." It's your deep-seeded concerns that make you the awesome person that you are, RBrown. But again, when it comes to your safety, there's no second-guessing.
So take comfort in your decision and pour yourself a nice, tall glass of vodka. After the week you had, you deserve it. Cheers!
I'd like to know how you handled it? Did you tell the roommates about him? Did you just turn it down no explanation? You know, just in case I get in this kind of situation, I'd like a little proximate experience. I'm glad you're not living there.
Oh RBrown, this is a fantastic post. And one I relate to so well. Ignorance IS bliss. But it also is...well...ignorance. You did the right thing. You aren't judging him, judging him would be screaming at him that you think he's a nasty horrible person. You are just chosing not to live with him, which is your right.
You did the right thing.
You knew 10 seconds after bringing up the info on the website, what the right thing for YOU to do was..
Being objective was obviously just an exercise regarding this matter.
Why put yourself in a position where the odds of something bad happening to you are increased?
Sadly, life sometimes is about odds & percentages.
I recently heard a debate about owners of pit bulls who had small children.
They claimed that pit bulls are no more dangerous than any other dog, in fact less so according to statistics put out regarding dog attacks. Hard for me to disagree with that, and Im not really a "Dog Person"
But... If I had a 2 year old child running around my house, would I have a pit bull? HELL NO !!!
If a Chihuahua for some unkown reas gets viscous and attacks a small child, well there's gonna be some bad bites (and a lot of yappin'), but if a pit bull attacks a kid...
I just couldn't feel comfortable thinking about the what ifs..
The bottom line is: Being objective is admirable, but backing out was just plain smart....
I felt wierd for just watching "The Woodsman"....
Oh my! Big Bro posting on my blog - I love it!
So here's how I handled it for Jaime and anyone else who's curious. And true anal copywriter that I am, I actually wrote out a script based on various responses he might have. Because for some reason I was very nervous when I did this.
I called him and told him some circumstances had come up and I no longer wanted the room. I wondered if he'd get it from that. He didn't. So I said "I found some information online that makes me a little uncomfortable. Had this information been disclosed to me I would not have made the choice to live there."
Silence.
He said "Didn't the roommates tell you?" (shocking, they actually KNOW) me: "No, it's really your responsibility, isn't it?" him: "well, it's in the lease."
Sure enough, it is. I signed it. Initialed right by it. But it's written so vaguely that I thought (and others who've read it - including an attorney friend) it was more of a standard lease clause that encourages people to call "a 900 #" (and it doesn't even give you the number) or to "check online" (no website) for sex offenders that may be in your neighborhood. No mention of HIM being a sex offender. I know, this sounds stupid, but out of context, when you don't suspect that the person sitting in front of you is the actual offender, it didn't cause me any alarm at all. In fact, it seemed natural because it came right after the "lead disclosure in homes painted before 1978" clause.
So after a brief exchange of him telling me that he was surprised that I was judging him, him asking me if I wanted to talk to his son (who was apparently nearby on the phone call), he said he would try to rent it. On Sunday I received a message that he had. Today he said he's having an open house tonight. He still has $1500 of mine. I have not stopped payment of the check as I was advised by the housing board of SF that this may serve to weaken my argument were we ever to go to court. Today I will write a letter documenting our conversation and mailing it....just to make sure that I get it off and in the mail before March 1. So I'm not out of the woods yet, but keep you fingers crossed.
Uncomfortable, all the way around. I hope none of you ever have to deal with it but I would encourage EVERYONE to check this site before moving in someplace, dating someone new - I don't know. Maybe I'm just too paranoid now. But you can never be too sure and too safe. That's my new motto.
Ahhh, city livin'.....
Sorry to hear about the madness honey. It's better this way I think. Keep the faith. It will all come together soon.
Oh my. I have missed a lot.
I would have done exactly the same thing. Your peace of mind is worth too much to be wondering.
We've all done stuff. I served alcohol to an underage undercover cop in a bar I worked at during college. He was 20. In my defense I was the only one working, it was slammed and I swear I thought I had carded him. Luckily that hasn't come up in job searches. It could be bad.
But this is different. Sex offenders are pretty messed up. You're not locking him up. You are deciding where to LIVE. Totally different thing.
Good luck to you...
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