Help!
Friends of the blogosphere, I desperately need your help and advice. With something serious. Quickly.
As many of you may have read, I rented an apartment recently. I didn’t mention that the apartment is an old Victorian home and that the owner of the house is the landlord. And the landlord actually lives in the apartment….sort of. He has a small room in another portion of the house but he shares our kitchen and comes in and out of our apartment quite frequently to make repairs, help people do things around the apartment, etc.
This seemed odd to me at first but when I went to sign the lease, my fears were put to rest after meeting him in person. He seemed very nice, I got a good vibe and he was actually happy to have someone of my “mature state” moving into the apartment. We also somehow got on the topic of how he had changed his life, he used to be a “wild guy” but now that he’d “turned his life over to God” he was a changed man. And he seemed like a really nice guy. I signed my lease, felt safe and went on my merry way with plans to move in on March 4.
Fast forward to last night. A friend of mine forwarded me a link to a sex offender web site. It was odd that I opened the email because I almost never read forwards – I’m not sure what possessed me to open this particular email on this particular day. But I did. The site allows you to type in your address and see if any registered sex offenders live near you. Those listed on this site could be rapists (yellow squares) child-related sex offenses (red squares) or “other” (green squares). I typed in my new address and almost had a heart attack. Up popped a picture of my future landlord and partial roommate. As a green square. Upon further investigation (thank you to BDH for her efforts in this), I found out he was convicted of a “lewd and lascivious act with a child under 14” under code 288c, which is “oral copulation”. So basically, a child under 14 gave him a blowjob. Whether that child was forced or not forced, it’s weird. I could be living with a pedophile. And I’m completely freaked out.
I’m trying to decide what to do. It seems obvious since I say I’m completely freaked out but there are 2 sides to this. People do change. Maybe he’s just trying to live an honest life. Who am I to judge? Besides, I’m not under 14. I’m out of his interest range (seriously, I’m not even trying to joke about this). As ASkor wisely put it, if we all made decisions based on people’s pasts and never trusted anyone, everyone in the world would be required to live alone on their own tiny, sad little island.
But what if he hasn’t changed? Who’s seen “The Woodsman” with Kevin Bacon? I know, I’m always bringing it back to movies, but think about it. Kevin Bacon’s character was really trying to change. He wasn’t a bad guy. Just a guy with a serious fricking problem that in the end he couldn’t overcome. (He moved across the street from a school and flirted with disaster by letting some teenager sit on his lap in a park). I don’t want to end up being inspiration for an episode of “Law and Order SVU”. And I don’t want to live constantly worried about whether someone’s rifling through my panty drawer or has installed a camera in the shower.
I’ve consulted my board of directors of friends and they are split, 60/40 in favor of me trusting my original gut opinion, formed without the sex offender info and going ahead and moving in. Many of them are saying “it’s probably nothing, he says he’s changed…..people DO change.” I’d also like to point out that the Board of Directors of RBrown friends is a collectively well-educated, high-earning, intelligent group of people, several with infants.
I consulted with someone at the Bay Area Housing authority (or something like that) and told her the situation. She told me how to remedy it if I wanted to try and get out of the lease and get my deposit back. She can’t offer legal advice but the more I told her the less she felt comfortable with him and the situation. Of course, she also said she had a friend that peed on a tree in a park, a kid saw him do it and he was convicted of…guess what? Code 288c, lewd and lascivious behavior with a child under 14.
For the first time in a long time, my gut has abandoned me and is completely split, literally and figuratively (I woke up with stomach knots at 4:30 this morning). I got a good vibe from him in person. But I also believe in signs. Why would I – the girl who makes fun of forwarded emails and almost NEVER opens them – choose to open that one? What are the odds? Is someone sending me a signal?
So, I’m asking for your honest opinions and comments. Thanks for reading and for (hopefully) not thinking I’m crazy and naive for still considering moving in and perhaps trusting that people can change.
Here's the link, by the way: http://www12.familywatchdog.us/
As many of you may have read, I rented an apartment recently. I didn’t mention that the apartment is an old Victorian home and that the owner of the house is the landlord. And the landlord actually lives in the apartment….sort of. He has a small room in another portion of the house but he shares our kitchen and comes in and out of our apartment quite frequently to make repairs, help people do things around the apartment, etc.
This seemed odd to me at first but when I went to sign the lease, my fears were put to rest after meeting him in person. He seemed very nice, I got a good vibe and he was actually happy to have someone of my “mature state” moving into the apartment. We also somehow got on the topic of how he had changed his life, he used to be a “wild guy” but now that he’d “turned his life over to God” he was a changed man. And he seemed like a really nice guy. I signed my lease, felt safe and went on my merry way with plans to move in on March 4.
Fast forward to last night. A friend of mine forwarded me a link to a sex offender web site. It was odd that I opened the email because I almost never read forwards – I’m not sure what possessed me to open this particular email on this particular day. But I did. The site allows you to type in your address and see if any registered sex offenders live near you. Those listed on this site could be rapists (yellow squares) child-related sex offenses (red squares) or “other” (green squares). I typed in my new address and almost had a heart attack. Up popped a picture of my future landlord and partial roommate. As a green square. Upon further investigation (thank you to BDH for her efforts in this), I found out he was convicted of a “lewd and lascivious act with a child under 14” under code 288c, which is “oral copulation”. So basically, a child under 14 gave him a blowjob. Whether that child was forced or not forced, it’s weird. I could be living with a pedophile. And I’m completely freaked out.
I’m trying to decide what to do. It seems obvious since I say I’m completely freaked out but there are 2 sides to this. People do change. Maybe he’s just trying to live an honest life. Who am I to judge? Besides, I’m not under 14. I’m out of his interest range (seriously, I’m not even trying to joke about this). As ASkor wisely put it, if we all made decisions based on people’s pasts and never trusted anyone, everyone in the world would be required to live alone on their own tiny, sad little island.
But what if he hasn’t changed? Who’s seen “The Woodsman” with Kevin Bacon? I know, I’m always bringing it back to movies, but think about it. Kevin Bacon’s character was really trying to change. He wasn’t a bad guy. Just a guy with a serious fricking problem that in the end he couldn’t overcome. (He moved across the street from a school and flirted with disaster by letting some teenager sit on his lap in a park). I don’t want to end up being inspiration for an episode of “Law and Order SVU”. And I don’t want to live constantly worried about whether someone’s rifling through my panty drawer or has installed a camera in the shower.
I’ve consulted my board of directors of friends and they are split, 60/40 in favor of me trusting my original gut opinion, formed without the sex offender info and going ahead and moving in. Many of them are saying “it’s probably nothing, he says he’s changed…..people DO change.” I’d also like to point out that the Board of Directors of RBrown friends is a collectively well-educated, high-earning, intelligent group of people, several with infants.
I consulted with someone at the Bay Area Housing authority (or something like that) and told her the situation. She told me how to remedy it if I wanted to try and get out of the lease and get my deposit back. She can’t offer legal advice but the more I told her the less she felt comfortable with him and the situation. Of course, she also said she had a friend that peed on a tree in a park, a kid saw him do it and he was convicted of…guess what? Code 288c, lewd and lascivious behavior with a child under 14.
For the first time in a long time, my gut has abandoned me and is completely split, literally and figuratively (I woke up with stomach knots at 4:30 this morning). I got a good vibe from him in person. But I also believe in signs. Why would I – the girl who makes fun of forwarded emails and almost NEVER opens them – choose to open that one? What are the odds? Is someone sending me a signal?
So, I’m asking for your honest opinions and comments. Thanks for reading and for (hopefully) not thinking I’m crazy and naive for still considering moving in and perhaps trusting that people can change.
Here's the link, by the way: http://www12.familywatchdog.us/
posted by Single, Party of One at 3:06 PM
10 Comments:
Wow, that's a tough one. I too checked the same site you're referring to and found that a "yellow" registered man lives in the same housing tract as me. That frightened me and I don't know how I'd live with one. You're right, people do change. He did comment on turning a new leaf to God. And...he did make the comment to you without knowing of your suspicions. Tough one RB. If it was me, I'd get out of the lease and find another place to live. Good luck.
Hmmm. That is a tough one. And a creepy one. Are there any of the soon-to-be roomates that you could alert this to and see what they feel about him? Could be a totally bizarre situation that put him on the list (such as the peeing in front of a child).
My first "benfit of the doubt" situation was that he was 18 and his high school girlfriend was 14 (which is still very icky) and the girl's father found out and prosecuted him to the fullest extent of the law.
But then the scary situation is he had a penchant for the young ones. And though he's "changed," he's still a mastermind behind some giant kiddie porn ring in SF - and one morning while you're drying your hair in the bathroom the Feds will come stormin' in and you'll be on the news saying yeah, I knew he a sex offender but the rent was awesome.
And just to skeeve you out even more Ted Bundy always gave women the "good guy" vibe when they first met him.
Well, I think we can all agree that I solved absolutely nothing.
Get a new apartment.
I think asking whether or not you give him the benefit of the doubt and/or if people can change is a bit beside the point. The question is what you feel comfortable with. Your not making a statement about HIM if you leave as much as you're making a decision about what you can tolerate.
Is anything bad going to happen to you? Probably not. You are probably out of his age range, even if he still struggles with the same problems. But what will YOUR mental state be? You gonna be thinking about this all the time? Freaking out every time the guy comes in? More stressed out than otherwise?
And, like I told you, if he is a true pedophile there's a high recidivism rate and you don't want to be around. If he had an 8th grade girlfriend when he was a HS senior, another story.
There IS a soloution to this, but it won't be fun. Two steps: (1) Tell one of your roomates and (2) both of you ask the guy about it, maybe explaining that you do this check whenever you move or your mother told you or some white lie. Not that he'll necessarily tell you the truth, but you'll have a much better sense of things. If he's truly repentant and changed his ways, he'll be willing to do anything -- including showing you court documents regarding what he did and putting you in touch with probation officers, whatever. If he's evasive or defensive, get the fuck out of dodge. If he did something really heinous, get the fuck out of dodge. If he peed on a tree (and can prove it), make sure he washes his hands a lot and unpack your shit.
I realize this situation is not as simplistic as my response suggests. You got my prayers. This one is tough. I can't tell you fer sure what I would do.
Tweets, you DID help - all of you did. I'm trying to decide if it's cool to call one of the roommates and just probe a bit more on him and perhaps share what I know. I don't know the roommates either, though - keep that in mind. They DO seem like cool people (despite me making fun of 20-somethings) and I have the feeling they don't know. Or maybe they do? I'm assuming too much i think, driving myself NUTS.
The guy's got a right to privacy, I don't want to stir the pot by ratting him out if it's not necessary.
Thoughts?
Oh, shit!
Of course we all want you to get the hell out of there! If I didn't know you I'd get into an "Everyone deserves their chance" speech and how he needs to be around normal people and to re-acclimate. But on the other hand, we love you and don't want you doing anything risky when you don't have to FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER! Imagine what you'd be saying to your friend if they told you this story.
I'm very much in favor of talking with the roommates about it, seeing what they know, as I think they should if they don't, and then, dependent on what they know, approaching him about it. But you also have to be prepared for the situation that once this is breached living there might not work out after all, and if the other roommates didn't know they might all move out too. It's a tought truth that must be brought up and I'm worried about your roommates that they didn't tell you this if they did know. There's a difference between privacy and something you should know. What kind of people would hide something like this to get a roommate?
And I'm sorry to say about his privacy, the law has stipulated that on this issue he has no privacy. This knowledge is public domain as you so easily found out. Remember that law that sex offenders had to introduce themselves to their neighbors as such when they moved into a neighborhood..what happened to that law? And yes the recitivism rate is very very high for pedophilia. Regardless of what you do, get the truth no matter who it's "inconvenient" for. There's more apartments than sex offenders out there, you'll find one worthy of you soon enough.
i'm with jamie. no reason to take risks. you're a bleesed soul for wanting to help this man, but figure out another way to help him without handing over your panties.
i have to wonder why this guy chose to be a landlord as a sex offender. does that seem wierd to anyone else??
i don't think that's a coincidence. i hate HATE HATE sayign that, but it's true. do they let sex offenders be landlords? don't you have to register with the bay area landlords association or soemthing? and on that registration don't you have to put any past offenses or crimes? the other tenants must not know. i would tell them, i would make up your mind witout doing so.
i agree with second chances too, but that doesn't mean i have to cohabitate with them.
get out of the lease, girl. i may be a crazyvirgo, but i AIN'T that crazy.
if this were me, every creak in the floor, every knock on the door (didn't really mean for that to rhyme) would send my heart into my throat. every time he'd come in i'b be wondering if this was it. there's no reason for you to live like that.
maybe he has changed. but you never know if one day he might get weak, have a little too much netflix wine, and come knocking on your door for something other than general maintenance.
I gotta go with Crazy and Concha on this one. And I totally hate to judge, oh wait, no I don't.
i have to de-lurk for this one. i gotta go with Crazy, Concha, and Heidi. find someplace else. i know people can change, but i find sex offenders to be in a breed of their own. he's not going to introduce himself and say, "i'm a child molester." of course he's going to present himself in the best possible light to you. one of the reasons sex offenders are so "successful" is they have mastered the art of manipulation and deception. be safe and good luck with your decision!
Post a Comment
<< Home