Context
(This one’s been sitting in my drafts for a while. I was afraid it sounded too angry and that perhaps people who never read my blog might actually pop in and see this and maybe get their feelings hurt. But you know what? Maybe it would do them some good. Maybe it’ll do us all some good. Please enjoy…and please know I’m not angry. Just wondering why we (especially me) sometimes choose to ignore our internal editors when it matters most.)
Maybe I’m just experiencing an extreme and prolonged bout of PMS/DMS but it seems to me that people are either a) getting ruder by the second and/or b) are just incredibly stupid and insensitive about the shit that comes out of their mouths these days.
I know, I know, I can skew a little Sensitive Susan at times (yes, my eyes welled up at Reese Witherspoon’s Oscar acceptance speech. Fuck off! She said she was just trying to live an honorable life – I thought it was a sweet thing to say!) but come on, people…THINK. As I’ve aged, (read: gained wisdom) I’ve learned a few things about what to say and what not to say and unfortunately I’ve learned it by being both the deliverer and recipient of some real zingers.
Believe me, living in a world where I tiptoe my opinionated-self around on proverbial egg shells is not my idea of a life worth living. For God’s sake I’m in advertising. I’m paid to mock people and have an opinion. I’m just saying, perhaps a little caution could be used in certain situations outside our respective Board of Directors of Friends. (And sometimes within that group). I’ve been told by every writing mentor/teacher I’ve ever had to choose my words carefully and remember context. Good advice for all of us to remember from time to time.
Below are some of my faves I’ve either overheard or been a part of over the years along with some real (and fantasy) responses. Please feel free to add your own.
When are you two tying the knot? I especially love it when this question comes from people in an unhappy relationship or a boring marriage. Why do people constantly feel the need to rush you over to the other side? If married life is so great, why are so many of us divorced? I’d love, just once, to hear someone say something like “Well, we don’t know if we really like each other, let alone LOVE each other, but the sex is really great so this is it for now.” Or “I can’t afford a ring.” Or “Really she’s just a bookmark until I meet the right girl. I refuse to break up with her because I’m terrified of being alone.” Fun, huh?
When can we expect the pitter-patter of little feet? (effect southern accent) “Gosh, I don’t know, seein’s how my doctah just told me I’m BARREN.” This one gets me the most riled up as I’ve had many friends who’ve tried for years to have a baby and were heartbroken by the mere mention of children. Also remember, to have a baby you have to HAVE SEX, so people probably aren’t running around talking about the various positions they’re trying, the number of times they’ve shoved a thermometer into an orifice to see when they’re most fertile, etc. Not everyone gets it on the first try. (Thank God).
Perhaps a better way to inquire is “Do you guys want to have a family someday?” The “someday” takes the pressure off when it will happen and you’re not assuming that they actually want kids. Because not everybody does. Which leads me to….
She doesn’t even LIKE kids. A comment recently made ABOUT ME (raised voice) by close friends. Apparently because I’m a “woman of a certain age” and I’m living in a metropolitan area without husband or child it is now OK to jump to the conclusion that I simply do not LIKE children and that I don’t even WANT them. My feelings on this are clear and have never changed but just in case you guys are reading this let me be crystal clear yet again: YES I LIKE KIDS. If I’m lucky enough to find my wonderful, funny, hot, sweet, sexy Mr. Right and he TOO wants kids then we will have them.
But what if my Mr. Right shoots blanks? Or what if my eggs have no yolks? What then? I’ve always said I would never hinge my complete happiness on something that I may ultimately have no control over thus setting me up for disappointment. And let me be extra crystal clear on this: I will not SETTLE for an average marriage just so I can squeeze out some kids. I’d rather have neither. If that makes me the token Samantha in the crowd then so be it. She ended up with a male underwear model. Worse things could happen.
Have you thought about freezing your eggs? Have you thought about cryonics? Hair implants? Breast implants? Maybe sewing your mouth shut so you’ll stop saying such ridiculous things?? NOOOO!!!! Fine for some people, but not for a person who, at the time of suggestion had no health insurance. Again I’d have to say, my life is not guided each day by “will or will I not have kids?”. Maybe that’s wrong. Maybe that’s not wise. I don’t know. But for me, it’s right. I’m focusin’ on the MAN, right now, girl. (Snap! Yank neck and purse lips)
(after having a baby) Why did she go back to work so soon? Apparently this is a hot debate amongst new moms along with “why are you not breast feeding?” vs “Why ARE you?” and – the hits just keep coming for these poor women – “why are you STILL breast feeding” and “why did you feed your kid THAT at xxx age?” I mean, come the fuck ON, people. Shut it. Really. Advertising whores like me will nitpick and find enough to make parents feel guilty about (Now with Ziplock closures! To protect your loved ones from suffocation!). You don’t need to do it too.
When are you guys buying a house? Um, when we can get the $75,000 down- payment it takes in the city I live in without robbing or killing someone. And yes, I know that living in Monkey’s Backscratch, Middlestate would be a lot more economical but (for me personally) until a man can birth a baby out of his pee-pee hole and pigs can poop out Benjamins, I won’t be moving there. No, I’m not making fun of your choices but don’t make us urbanites feel bad for ours.
Is that why he had to do online dating? Yeah, so I’ve covered this before. “Had to do” implies that people who do this are desperate. We’re not. (Wait, hang on, I’ve got to chase down the clumps of my hair that fell out before it gets snagged in the fingernails I’ve chewed off.)
Why is he/she single? Why are you such a dolt?
Why is she having surgery? My favorite suave answer, overheard recently at work: “Because she had to”. Good one! Shut that person right up. Or how about this clever one? “Because her uterus turned black and was starting to smell.”
Why’d you get divorced? My all-time favorite question, asked of me once the asker found out I was about to get divorced: “So you’re just choosing to ignore God’s plan?” (I was asked this in Kentucky as I ran on a treadmill)
15 seconds of my stunned silence ensued, followed by me hitting “stop” on the treadmill.
“I’m pretty sure that I was out of the loop on God’s repeated messages, voice mails and emails when I hooked up with the wrong guy in the first place. So I’m not sure it was really a planning issue, per se. But thanks for your concern.”
Context, people. I’m just sayin’.
Maybe I’m just experiencing an extreme and prolonged bout of PMS/DMS but it seems to me that people are either a) getting ruder by the second and/or b) are just incredibly stupid and insensitive about the shit that comes out of their mouths these days.
I know, I know, I can skew a little Sensitive Susan at times (yes, my eyes welled up at Reese Witherspoon’s Oscar acceptance speech. Fuck off! She said she was just trying to live an honorable life – I thought it was a sweet thing to say!) but come on, people…THINK. As I’ve aged, (read: gained wisdom) I’ve learned a few things about what to say and what not to say and unfortunately I’ve learned it by being both the deliverer and recipient of some real zingers.
Believe me, living in a world where I tiptoe my opinionated-self around on proverbial egg shells is not my idea of a life worth living. For God’s sake I’m in advertising. I’m paid to mock people and have an opinion. I’m just saying, perhaps a little caution could be used in certain situations outside our respective Board of Directors of Friends. (And sometimes within that group). I’ve been told by every writing mentor/teacher I’ve ever had to choose my words carefully and remember context. Good advice for all of us to remember from time to time.
Below are some of my faves I’ve either overheard or been a part of over the years along with some real (and fantasy) responses. Please feel free to add your own.
When are you two tying the knot? I especially love it when this question comes from people in an unhappy relationship or a boring marriage. Why do people constantly feel the need to rush you over to the other side? If married life is so great, why are so many of us divorced? I’d love, just once, to hear someone say something like “Well, we don’t know if we really like each other, let alone LOVE each other, but the sex is really great so this is it for now.” Or “I can’t afford a ring.” Or “Really she’s just a bookmark until I meet the right girl. I refuse to break up with her because I’m terrified of being alone.” Fun, huh?
When can we expect the pitter-patter of little feet? (effect southern accent) “Gosh, I don’t know, seein’s how my doctah just told me I’m BARREN.” This one gets me the most riled up as I’ve had many friends who’ve tried for years to have a baby and were heartbroken by the mere mention of children. Also remember, to have a baby you have to HAVE SEX, so people probably aren’t running around talking about the various positions they’re trying, the number of times they’ve shoved a thermometer into an orifice to see when they’re most fertile, etc. Not everyone gets it on the first try. (Thank God).
Perhaps a better way to inquire is “Do you guys want to have a family someday?” The “someday” takes the pressure off when it will happen and you’re not assuming that they actually want kids. Because not everybody does. Which leads me to….
She doesn’t even LIKE kids. A comment recently made ABOUT ME (raised voice) by close friends. Apparently because I’m a “woman of a certain age” and I’m living in a metropolitan area without husband or child it is now OK to jump to the conclusion that I simply do not LIKE children and that I don’t even WANT them. My feelings on this are clear and have never changed but just in case you guys are reading this let me be crystal clear yet again: YES I LIKE KIDS. If I’m lucky enough to find my wonderful, funny, hot, sweet, sexy Mr. Right and he TOO wants kids then we will have them.
But what if my Mr. Right shoots blanks? Or what if my eggs have no yolks? What then? I’ve always said I would never hinge my complete happiness on something that I may ultimately have no control over thus setting me up for disappointment. And let me be extra crystal clear on this: I will not SETTLE for an average marriage just so I can squeeze out some kids. I’d rather have neither. If that makes me the token Samantha in the crowd then so be it. She ended up with a male underwear model. Worse things could happen.
Have you thought about freezing your eggs? Have you thought about cryonics? Hair implants? Breast implants? Maybe sewing your mouth shut so you’ll stop saying such ridiculous things?? NOOOO!!!! Fine for some people, but not for a person who, at the time of suggestion had no health insurance. Again I’d have to say, my life is not guided each day by “will or will I not have kids?”. Maybe that’s wrong. Maybe that’s not wise. I don’t know. But for me, it’s right. I’m focusin’ on the MAN, right now, girl. (Snap! Yank neck and purse lips)
(after having a baby) Why did she go back to work so soon? Apparently this is a hot debate amongst new moms along with “why are you not breast feeding?” vs “Why ARE you?” and – the hits just keep coming for these poor women – “why are you STILL breast feeding” and “why did you feed your kid THAT at xxx age?” I mean, come the fuck ON, people. Shut it. Really. Advertising whores like me will nitpick and find enough to make parents feel guilty about (Now with Ziplock closures! To protect your loved ones from suffocation!). You don’t need to do it too.
When are you guys buying a house? Um, when we can get the $75,000 down- payment it takes in the city I live in without robbing or killing someone. And yes, I know that living in Monkey’s Backscratch, Middlestate would be a lot more economical but (for me personally) until a man can birth a baby out of his pee-pee hole and pigs can poop out Benjamins, I won’t be moving there. No, I’m not making fun of your choices but don’t make us urbanites feel bad for ours.
Is that why he had to do online dating? Yeah, so I’ve covered this before. “Had to do” implies that people who do this are desperate. We’re not. (Wait, hang on, I’ve got to chase down the clumps of my hair that fell out before it gets snagged in the fingernails I’ve chewed off.)
Why is he/she single? Why are you such a dolt?
Why is she having surgery? My favorite suave answer, overheard recently at work: “Because she had to”. Good one! Shut that person right up. Or how about this clever one? “Because her uterus turned black and was starting to smell.”
Why’d you get divorced? My all-time favorite question, asked of me once the asker found out I was about to get divorced: “So you’re just choosing to ignore God’s plan?” (I was asked this in Kentucky as I ran on a treadmill)
15 seconds of my stunned silence ensued, followed by me hitting “stop” on the treadmill.
“I’m pretty sure that I was out of the loop on God’s repeated messages, voice mails and emails when I hooked up with the wrong guy in the first place. So I’m not sure it was really a planning issue, per se. But thanks for your concern.”
Context, people. I’m just sayin’.
posted by Single, Party of One at 2:52 PM
14 Comments:
this is why i dont like people. this also sounds like about 15 good reasons not to move to the south, involve yourself with organized religion, or socialize with insipid catty housewives. (im not saying they all are...i'm just saying).
That last response just about made me spew my soda all over the monitor. I might have to use something like that someday -- it's tucked away in my mental file. If I do I'll be sure to give you credit.
And yes, I do think that people are getting ruder. or less able to keep their traps shut when they should be.
Hey RB, God here. Sorry you didn't get my voicemail, the service has been on the fritz. My bad. Anyway, my plan was for you to do everything you've done. You're your own woman and every decision you've made has turned you into the amazing, hilarious, wonderful person (and writer) you are today. Keep writing cause it's really boring in heaven. No one ever does anything up here!
Oh my God...GOD!! I can't believe you're on my blog! Can I get a link to yours? Currently I'm feauturing Beezelbub on my blogroll and I'd like to offer my readers a range of content and opinions.
RB - how many times to i have to tell you..PUBLISH THIS!!!!!
i'll capps you till i'm red in the face, damnit.
Haha, I feel ya girl. I wonder why people think we CHOSE to not meet some fantastically groovy mate and procreate at the same rate as them so that our kids can grow up together and they can actually start talking to us again.
You know who/why/what you are. Just wait and it'll all come together. Whatever All is....
Melvin, tell people you are Cathewish, a new movement whereby a group of elite Chosen People spread the gospel about condoms, birth control and spermicidal jellies. You have a boyfriend but he's on an Abercrombie photo shoot in Dubai. Not to worry, you'll see him in a couple of weeks when your mission work and his next photo shoot cross paths in Ibiza. Your wealthy father is funding the entire trip. You'd love to tell them what your wealthy father does for a living, but then you'd stop getting any good drugs. Oops - oh shit! Did I say too much??
Heidi, you're right. It's like everyone thinks that life is like one big Brady sister triple wedding: let's ALL get married at the same time, have babies the same year and live on the same block! Clearly these people do not remember that Jan goes through years of an awkward period while she awaits her Davy Jones where she dons an afro wig and a pair of sunglasses so large that they make Paris Hilton's glasses look like pennies. Do these people not have Nick at Nite?? I don't know. I just don't know.
not angry, just on point. i hate people. i prefer to avoid them, especially if they are richer, thinner, more attractive, and happier than i am. then again, my mouth is always sucking on one mint shoe or other, so maybe it's me people should avoid.
Yes, people just suck. It never gets better.
If you aren't married, why. If you haven't had babies, why. When you are pregnant, you are doing it wrong. If you go back to work, you suck. If you stay home, you suck. If you talk to any of the moms at school, you are right back into the whole high school girl bullshit, and you suck.
Whatever.
I think you're fabulous. Everyone who reads your blog is fabulous. And I'm fabulous.
Screw everyone else!
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