My country tis full of a few jackasses
This past Saturday as I walked through my neighborhood, I overheard 2 dudes - sporty, I’’m wearin’ a baseball hat and flip-flops with my shorts but I won’t shave so I can cultivate an extra manly look – talking sports. The convo went something like this:
“You watching any World Cup?”
“What’s the point? We suck. I can’t believe ABC is wasting all their air time on fucking soccer.”
This, my friends, is why the rest of the world DESPISES America.
Apparently, if we can’t kick – nay, BLUDGEON – the asses of any competitor we take on in sports - or pretty much anything for that matter - it’s just not worth our time or attention. But let’s have a little baseball tournament and call it the World Series, even though very few other countries in the world actually give a shit about baseball and in said tournament, only teams from our country play.
Let’s also give our Super Bowl Champions rings that say “World Champions”. I don’t know about you but the biggest nail-biter of last season for me was that Ghana vs. Steelers game. Whew – talk about a close one!
Don’t get me wrong. If you’ve read this blog for more than 5 minutes you KNOW I loves me some American sports. All of them. Ridiculously so. I ran through my little Lexington neighborhood ringing an antique cowbell when Kentucky won the championship in 1998, for God’s sake. I’ve almost gotten into bar fights with (stupid and misinformed) Duke fans over their number of total wins vs. North Carolina’s (that one’s for you MCannie).
But guess what? This year? When Kentucky didn’t win as many games as we’re used to winning? I still hauled my ass out of bed at 8 am pacific time to watch a fair amount games, knowing we’d probably lose, but still maintaining optimism. Why? Because it’s fun. It’s fun to be a fan and it’s fun to be with and watch other crazy fans. March Madness or March Morose-ness? Which would you watch?
The point of this is less about playing “God Bless America” in your head as you watch our underdog American soccer team (or football team, but that’s another blog entry for another day) try to accomplish something huge.
No, the point is this: just watch a game. Just one. That’s all I’m asking. And then tell me you don’t understand why ABC is broadcasting World Cup. Since this isn’t an every year kind of thing that we seem to be so fond of doing in this country, the fans get a little crazy. They sing and chant the entire game, they paint their faces and chests and some spend their entire savings to get to ONE GAME. They make the craziest Kentucky/Duke/Carolina/Yankees/Steelers, etc fans look like a bunch of corpses.
The players are dedicated and passionate. Some are dirty (in the “I’ll elbow you if I feel like it kind of way”, not the “Daniel Cleaver I’m enjoying your see-through top kind of way”).
Also – and I know this is really shallow but it has to be said – a soccer body is just hot. Period. There’s no standing in left-field, staring at the crowd, dreaming of the next gold chain I’ll buy while rubbing my slightly protruding beer gut. Wait – a ball’s coming my way….where is it? There it is….GOT IT! Thank God, I can’t be sent back down to Birmingham again, that would just suck. Where was I? Oh yeah….I wish I had a Sam Adams and some Gordon Biersch garlic fries right now….
Nope. Lean and mean. We’ve busted the ratings nut with hot housewives and a bunch of unknown teenagers from Orange County. Why can’t the executives at ABC figure out that smokin’ English/Swedish/Italian/etc. soccer players might also be a windfall for the network and thus worthy of more than secondary broadcast on weekends and ESPN2?
Anyway, just watch a game. Pick a team, have a pint, stop calling it soccer for a day and just give in and act like an idiot for 90 minutes or so. It’s fun.
England (double duh)
Australia (just ‘cause)