Wednesday, June 21, 2006

My country tis full of a few jackasses

Testing, testing…is this thing on? I’ve been absent from the blogging world for almost a month so I’m not sure if anyone even reads this thing anymore. But no matter. I’ve got something to say again and finally a little bit of time to say it.

This past Saturday as I walked through my neighborhood, I overheard 2 dudes - sporty, I’’m wearin’ a baseball hat and flip-flops with my shorts but I won’t shave so I can cultivate an extra manly look – talking sports. The convo went something like this:

“You watching any World Cup?”

“What’s the point? We suck. I can’t believe ABC is wasting all their air time on fucking soccer.”


This, my friends, is why the rest of the world DESPISES America.

Apparently, if we can’t kick – nay, BLUDGEON – the asses of any competitor we take on in sports - or pretty much anything for that matter - it’s just not worth our time or attention. But let’s have a little baseball tournament and call it the World Series, even though very few other countries in the world actually give a shit about baseball and in said tournament, only teams from our country play.

Let’s also give our Super Bowl Champions rings that say “World Champions”. I don’t know about you but the biggest nail-biter of last season for me was that Ghana vs. Steelers game. Whew – talk about a close one!

Don’t get me wrong. If you’ve read this blog for more than 5 minutes you KNOW I loves me some American sports. All of them. Ridiculously so. I ran through my little Lexington neighborhood ringing an antique cowbell when Kentucky won the championship in 1998, for God’s sake. I’ve almost gotten into bar fights with (stupid and misinformed) Duke fans over their number of total wins vs. North Carolina’s (that one’s for you MCannie).

But guess what? This year? When Kentucky didn’t win as many games as we’re used to winning? I still hauled my ass out of bed at 8 am pacific time to watch a fair amount games, knowing we’d probably lose, but still maintaining optimism. Why? Because it’s fun. It’s fun to be a fan and it’s fun to be with and watch other crazy fans. March Madness or March Morose-ness? Which would you watch?

The point of this is less about playing “God Bless America” in your head as you watch our underdog American soccer team (or football team, but that’s another blog entry for another day) try to accomplish something huge.

No, the point is this: just watch a game. Just one. That’s all I’m asking. And then tell me you don’t understand why ABC is broadcasting World Cup. Since this isn’t an every year kind of thing that we seem to be so fond of doing in this country, the fans get a little crazy. They sing and chant the entire game, they paint their faces and chests and some spend their entire savings to get to ONE GAME. They make the craziest Kentucky/Duke/Carolina/Yankees/Steelers, etc fans look like a bunch of corpses.

The players are dedicated and passionate. Some are dirty (in the “I’ll elbow you if I feel like it kind of way”, not the “Daniel Cleaver I’m enjoying your see-through top kind of way”).

Also – and I know this is really shallow but it has to be said – a soccer body is just hot. Period. There’s no standing in left-field, staring at the crowd, dreaming of the next gold chain I’ll buy while rubbing my slightly protruding beer gut. Wait – a ball’s coming my way….where is it? There it is….GOT IT! Thank God, I can’t be sent back down to Birmingham again, that would just suck. Where was I? Oh yeah….I wish I had a Sam Adams and some Gordon Biersch garlic fries right now….

Nope. Lean and mean. We’ve busted the ratings nut with hot housewives and a bunch of unknown teenagers from Orange County. Why can’t the executives at ABC figure out that smokin’ English/Swedish/Italian/etc. soccer players might also be a windfall for the network and thus worthy of more than secondary broadcast on weekends and ESPN2?

Anyway, just watch a game. Pick a team, have a pint, stop calling it soccer for a day and just give in and act like an idiot for 90 minutes or so. It’s fun.

My teams:
America (duh)
England (double duh)
Australia (just ‘cause)

20 Comments:

Blogger steveohville speakeasy said...

so we're chastized for not watching usa in the world cup because we suck, but it's okay to watch it because they have hot soccer bodies?

just wanted to make sure i got it straight before i watch the world series of poker.

2:55 PM  
Blogger RBrown said...

Yep, that about sums it up. If I can't help rally fans for love of the game or excitement, I WILL use sex to help sell it.

Nobody bitches when budweiser does it. I'm just sayin'..

3:13 PM  
Anonymous crazyvirgo said...

couldn't have said it better myself! the world HATES american sports, especially when they take it upon themselves to trump themselves up as world champiopns. URGH, it's somethign that annoyes the pants off me. and speakign of pants. those of soccer players are just lovely. and reason enough for me to LOVE the sport. I mean, outside the fact that they have an incredible talent with that ball.

why do you think they all ahve HOT wives?

5:24 PM  
Blogger Jaime Schwarz said...

Biggest disapointment ever was hearing a rumor oh so many years ago that when, in women's soccer, a woman scores, she takes off her shirt. Ohhh the anticipation of finding out how true it was. But oooh the disapointment to have so sillily forgotten that they wear sports bras. Women's soccer, how you tease me!
Thanks for not writing any goooooal jokes and keep up the writing, you know we all check in.

9:50 PM  
Blogger steveohville speakeasy said...

my world cup interest ended at around 8:56am.

like many americans, i have ghanarea.

12:50 PM  
Blogger TheDShaw said...

Thanks to you RB I actually looked at SI.com last night to see what the hell was going on in the World Cup. Now I'm interested. And now I will probably lose another 25% of productivity at work. The other 75% went to ye old yellow ball of fire in the sky.

BTW --on SI they have the hot soccer player's equally hot girlfriends. So, guess we all got a free pass to check out the heat that is soccer.....

1:01 PM  
Blogger DP said...

RBrown, your intelligence is beautiful. I too get my panties in a twist when I hear that people have no idea about what the hell's going on in Germany. "Germany? What's going on there? Wait...where's Germany? Is it near Texas?"

And I hate to say it but now that the US is out, I'm sure the interest in the WC is going to dwindle. FAST. I swear, only the foreigners are going to be psyched about this sport 'til the end. And damn it! I'm proud to be one of them!

Now if I can only convince my boss to let me watch some games at work...

3:09 PM  
Anonymous MetroDad said...

DAE HAN MIN KUK!

5:50 PM  
Blogger steveohville speakeasy said...

now that america is out, the world cup needs something to drum up some interest back in the states.

my solution: a good ol' steroid scandal.

works every time.

10:16 AM  
Blogger RBrown said...

How 'bout a lacrosse scandal?

Damn, been done...

12:44 PM  
Blogger concha said...

i too get my panties in a twist when i hear the ignorant droll most americans liter my ears with anyway. when, oh when is that job offer coming from spain, i ask? making it all the more convenient for me to be closer to a certan soccer hottie.

2:01 PM  
Blogger SteveInLA13 said...

I've always said there's nothing hotter than a chick running through the streets ringing a cowbell. Well, I guess it'd be hotter if she was naked while she was doing it. Hmmmm...Were you?

Gotta tell you, I love soccer, but I understand why it isn't an "American" sport. It's a pinko, Commie game! What's with all this passing crap? Just shoot the damn ball! What's with these 1-0 wins and 0-0 ties? Goals scored outside the penalty box should count for two points, dammit!

Sorry, I seem to have been possessed by the spirit of Joseph McCarthy for a minute there.

I'm watching the Australia v. Italy match before heading to work. Tied 0-0 almost 40 minutes in. Commie bastards! Go Soccerbees!

8:41 AM  
Blogger Open Letter said...

Yahoo no longer has a World Cup link on the home page. Once again proving what we've all CLEARLY known all along: there really is NO LIFE outside beautiful and exciting Sunnyvale, CA and the 408 area code.

11:46 AM  
Blogger melvin said...

right on

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