Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Txting and my GLORIOUS return 2 the blogging world

Forgive me blogging world, for I have sinned. It’s been 87 days since my last post.

I can’t explain what’s been going on with me other than a bad combination of creative constipation caused by a job that’s supposed to make me more creative. That combined with some health problems along with a tiny onset of laziness have made writing hard…and writing anything interesting near impossible.

But today, I’m going to try, try my best to entertain you with my humble opinion on something really annoying. It’s a trend so offensive that it managed to get my lazy, uncreative, unenergetic ass back in front of my lonely keyboard so I could say my piece to all you fine people. It’s called texting.

I know, I know, texting is how all you young’uns keep in touch with your posse. I’m not completely against texting, mind you. In certain situations it makes complete sense. You want to give someone a quick piece of information on where you are, what to pick up at the store or which row they can find you in at the movie theatre. All perfectly acceptable uses of the text message.

But it really starts to chafe my unmentionables when people use this as a tool for dating. Truthfully, “dating” isn’t even the right word because that implies that you’ve been out on a few dates with someone and that you’re in a comfort zone that allows for such conduct. Nope, where I’m seeing a gross misuse of texting is in the beginning stages of dating, the courting as my grandma liked to call it, or the wooing stage as I myself like to say (are there still people capable of the woo out there? Where the hell are you?)

Guys, do you really think the best way to impress a girl you haven’t taken on a date yet is to send her a text message that says: “Hey, what r u up 2? Jon (from Tony Nik’s)”. Or stated more bluntly, do you really think that you stand a snowball’s chance in hell of EVER seeing this girl naked or having any of your parts fondled by her with a message like: “’sup with you? Tim (Onion Guy)”.

Let’s just go ahead and establish a few facts:

*This should be COMPLETELY OBVIOUS (and I’m all-capping and bolding you so consider this me yelling): you should NOT be asking girls out on texts. Period. Shhhh. No. Uh-uh. Stop. Don’t speak. Nope, don’t do it. Shut it.

*If you have to put who you are in parentheses, it’s probably better to call. Because we can forward this shit on to our friends – and don’t think we’re not doing that because we are. Seeing things like “Jay from Amante” actually typed out on a tiny phone screen in conjunction with the no phone call route won’t score you very high on the smarts index. Admit it, even you felt a little stupid having to type it out, didn’t you?

*If a girl tells you she doesn’t like to get texts and won’t respond to them, don’t pull the text-equivalent of “Swingers” on her and text her 11 times in 2 hours.

*Nothing makes a woman swoon like reading a flirtatious communication where words have been reduced to simple letters, numbers and symbols, right? No, no, NOOO! Which of these would you rather get from someone you like?

Example 1: had a gr8t time with u last nt. hope 2 see u soon. R (from last night)

Example 2 (email): Hi, Rebecca, Just wanted to say that I had a really great time with you last night. Looking forward to seeing you again soon. Rob

Example 3 (phone call): Rebecca, hi, it’s Rob. Can you get your sweet, hot ass over here so we can get it on?

Ahem. Ok, so that’s not exactly how it goes but that could be the result for you, my friends, if you use your communication tools wisely.

Now, I know there are some of you out there who think that texting is a perfectly fine tool (oh the irony of that word) to string along as many guys/girls as you possibly can. Or that it’s a nice way to “not get all serious.” I have one word for you people: MANNERS. As my first grade teacher Mrs. Varney used to say “You’ll catch more flies with honey.” My modern day version of this would be “If you’re trying to get laid, a phone call will get you a lot closer.”

Finally, let us not forget the words of another sage, my dear friend Bberk: “Don’t be dum….get you sum.”